By Jason Isaacs
It’s ironic, isn’t it? According to God, you should abstain from sex until you’re married, and then after marriage have as much sex as you want, but for many people, we reverse the order and have lots of sex before marriage and gradually stop having sex after we say “I Do.” Why do we do that?
There are more answers to that question than I have time to answer, serious answers, medical answers, and scientific answers, but for the sake of this article, I’m only going to deal with one answer for why you’re having less sex with your spouse…kids.
Children are a blessing from God, but ask any husband who has sex once a month because his kids are always sleeping in his bed, and he’s probably harboring bitterness that kids have killed his sex life. In a recent survey, 60% of married men with kids said they were dissatisfied with the quantity of sex with their spouse, and 60% of wives with kids said they were dissatisfied with the quality of sex with their spouse.
I have four kids all under the age of 10, so I understand the pressure, stress, and responsibility of parenting. I’m not making light of the need to nurse a baby or provide care for a sick child, but unfortunately, I’ve seen too many couples trade being “man and wife” to be “mom and dad.” I see moms hide behind the need to care for their kid to ignore dealing with the issues in the marriage. It might be physical insecurity or shame with your body after having a child, or possibly medical, emotional struggles with postpartum, or maybe it’s a simple as the fact that little kids’ hands have been touching you all day and by the time the day is done you’re tired of being touched. I get it. But my wife and I decided after our first daughter was born, we were going to keep our marriage the priority over our children. We didn’t come to this decision easily.
After Sadie was born, Andrea and I had probably our toughest stretch in marriage because she was learning how to be a mom and I was blindsided by the changes in a woman blessed with the responsibility of raising a child. After several weeks of hit or miss attempts of sex, arguments, and resentment starting to build, we finally decided something had to change. She needed me to build her up with my words and make her feel beautiful and sexy again, and I needed her to come to bed in something other than pajama pants and a nursing bra. We made the decision that night that our marriage would always come first, and our children would come second. It’s easier said than done, but eight years later, for the most part, we have held true to that promise, so much so that when my oldest daughter asks me, “Daddy do you love me as much as you love mommy?” I say, “no.” I tell her I love her so much, more than I knew I could love someone, but mommy and I loved each other before she arrived, and mommy will always be my #1.