By Ethan Renoe
“So have you lost your virginity yet?”
This is possibly the most common question I get from people with different beliefs and practices from mine. They never ask about my writing, my travels, my heart or my other friends.
Just my sex life.
Which is still nonexistent.
After years of being asked why I’m still a virgin (You religious or sumthin?), and having to sum up volumes of logic and theology into about two sentences, I decided it’s about time to write another post about why I’m waiting for marriage. This time, I want to address some misconceptions folks seem to have about those of us who remain chaste until their wedding day.
We have zero sexual desires. None whatsoever.
No one could be more excited for their wedding day than me! I’m hoping for a 16-second ceremony so we can sprint up the aisle, spit out some vows, and sprint back down the aisle and speed to our hotel room!
There will be no photographers; no family pictures. If you want to remember this day, blink your eyes people! Mental snapshots are the only non-blurry ones you’ll get of us!
We who have chosen to wait until marriage do not magically have less sexual desires than the rest of y’all. They are there and they are just waiting to be unleashed.
It’s just because we’re “religious.”
For me, this is a big factor in my decision to wait until marriage. I want to honor God with my body and with my use of His gift of sex.
However, a lot of it also comes down to logic and a love for my future spouse.
I have an atheist friend who told me once about how powerful sex is. She explained how amazingly spiritual and bonding it is to unite yourself to this other person; it’s really magical. In the next text, she told me that she has probably slept with over 150 people.
To me, this just seems like a logical oxymoron. How could something so beautiful and powerful be shared with such a gigantic number of people?
If sex really is as powerful as she said it is, I want to save that for the one person in my life who deserves it. The person I have committed myself to and don’t have to worry about them taking off in the morning. Someone I can trust wholly and completely, and fully give my whole self to without fear or insecurity.
I’m sure many people have similar reasons beyond simply “I’m religious,” so try asking them about it!
Virginity is simply a matter of that one line you can’t cross.
The other day, a girl asked me about my virginity and followed up with questions like “But what about oral? Or touching?” as if purity were about a singular point you don’t want to walk past rather than a holistic pursuit of purity.
A friend at college once explained his views on virginity as more of a sliding scale than a matter of steering clear of penetration. He said, “He who has kissed a girl is less of a virgin than he who has not. She who has had oral sex is less of a virgin than she who has not, and so on.”
It’s not simply a matter of not having intercourse, and then you’re suddenly not a virgin; the goal is to live a pure life holistically so you have as much of yourself to share with your spouse and carry less baggage altogether into your marriage.
Now, I’m not saying kissing is terrible and everyone should wait until their wedding day just to give a little peck on the lips. The “line” will be different for everyone. We all have different convictions.
We look down on those who have not waited.
Of course I can only speak for myself here, but a lot of people get embarrassed or ashamed in front of me because I have chosen to wait. I wish this was not so! As a Christian, I must recognize that all of us are on level ground before God. I may not have had sex with a girl, but I have millions of other sinful areas in my life, so who am I to judge?
My pursuit in maintaining my virginity is not with the end goal of shaming people who have not; it’s simply because I have found that this is the wisest way to prepare for a future marriage and honor the Lord with my body.
I have no moral high ground to stand on when it comes to pointing fingers. After all, Jesus Himself said that anyone who looks upon a woman lustfully has committed adultery with her in his heart. God knows that by this definition, I’ve slept with a LOT more than 150 people.
We would never date a non-virgin.
This is a question I have fielded countless times.
But what if she’s not a virgin? Dealbreaker?
No, of course not.
Again, if God is able to forgive my myriad sins I’ve committed throughout my life, I would be a terrible person with no understanding of the gospel if I were to hold a woman’s past mistakes against her. I would be someone unable to show grace because I probably haven’t experienced it myself.
Virginity, or lack thereof, does not define a human being.
If you’ve lost your virginity, you’re damned to be impure forever.
I have talked to many people who despair because they have already lost their virginity. I see a lot of people who think that they are damaged goods because they have screwed up and can’t take their virginity into their marriage.
I think the concept of being a virgin until marriage is a modern day concept. The Bible speaks very little about waiting until marriage, and our culture has put more emphasis on this than the Bible itself. (Though it most certainly calls for purity and fleeing sexual immorality!)
What the Bible speaks a lot about is renewal and restoration. Broken things being died and shattered things being made whole. If you have has sex in the past, don’t let that fact, and the shame that may accompany it, determine your future. You can choose right now to live a chaste life. Some people refer to this as being a ‘spiritual virgin,’ as God has already forgotten the things you’ve done in the past.
It’s never too late to begin walking in the light and living a pure life! May we all be people who, from this day forward, long to live in the light and use our bodies wisely and for the building up of others, rather than out of a selfish pursuit of pleasure. May we learn to walk with others in understanding and love rather than judgment and pretense.