Humor

Dad’s Rant Over Daughter’s “Category 5” Diaper Explosion Is Downright Hysterical

His son was at school. His wife was at work. The dogs were outside. And his daughter was asleep in her room (or so he thought).

It started out as the perfect lazy day for Omaha father, Jesse Mab-Phea, who was soaking up some much-needed ‘me time’ in his man cave, watching YouTube videos and fantasizing about the chocolate cake upstairs. In a rare window of time where he had the whole house to himself, Jesse was ready to kick back and chillax like a boss for a couple hours, reveling in the peace and quiet.

But as we all know, in the world of toddlers, sometimes “too quiet” can translate into a total nightmare.

As Jesse made his way up the stairs to snag a piece of that mouth-watering chocolate cake, a putrid smell stopped his tastebuds in their tracks. At first he assumed the dog “dropped a deuce,” but as the the foul smell grew thicker from the stairwell all the way to Alessandra’s room, his stomach plummeted to the floor.

He knew this was about to be BAD…

But he had no idea just how bad.

It turns out, the sweet baby girl that he thought was taking a nap was actually throwing the POO PARTY of the century in her bedroom. After Jesse found her covered head-to-toe in her own feces and assessed the category-five diaper explosion that covered every square-inch of her room, he took to Facebook to detail the absolutely hilarious antics that ensued. His hysterically relatable post has quickly gone viral, amassing over 115,000 shares from parents who FEEL his pain.

Jesse’s tale of the world’s worst poop-filled nappy is sure to leave you cry-laughing ’til it HURTS:

“So I was having a pretty good day. Dropped the boy off at school, worked out, let the dogs outside and began chilling like a boss in my man cave in the basement. Mayra was out teaching her workout class, Alessandra was asleep in her room and the dogs were outside. I had the house to myself and I was taking full advantage of watching unimpeded YouTube videos.

I decided I wanted a piece of the chocolate cake we made for Jesse’s Cub Scout thing the other day, so I made my way up to the main floor. As I’m going upstairs I smell something foul. I scan the basement from the stairs thinking the dogs dropped a deuce before I let them outside. I see nothing….. And then my blood runs cold when I realize the stink is coming from the upper floor. I run up the stairs screaming no, no, no, no, till I get to Alessandra’s room.

There she is, standing at the baby gate, butt naked, holding her diaper, covered head to toe in her own crap. I’m not talking a little poop here. I’m talking layered on globs of human fecal matter covering her arms, legs, face and HAIR. It’s bad. It’s worse then any other time she decided to explore in her diaper.”


Facebook

“I was tempted to close her door, wait till Mayra got home and pretend like I was asleep so she would have to deal with it. But yesterday was Mexican Mother’s day and I didn’t want to be a jerk. There is literally no good place to pick my daughter up to get her to the bath, so I just knock the baby gate over so she can walk out on her own terms. Instead of walking out of her room she smiles up at me and extends her arms for me to pick her up. After a brief stare off she walks out of her room, passes me and heads down the stairs. The bath wasn’t downstairs, I pick her up. I use 2 fingers on both hands to lift her by her armpits and I shuffle the 2 of us off to the bathroom.

After 20 minutes I pick all the crap out of her hair, bottom of her feet and everywhere in between.”


Facebook

“Now it’s time to step foot in her room. I thought she had pooped in her diaper and got it on herself…… But it was so much worse.

I walk in her room slowly and am greeted with a scene straight out of a horror movie. Everything on the right side of the room is covered in steaming baby crap. The walls, the toys, the windows, the curtains, the play bench, the floor, the baby piano, my hopes, all covered in crap.”


Facebook

“Hurricane $hi%rina if you will. I have no clue where to start. So I call Mayra.”


Facebook

“She’s on her way back home and I’m on my way to lighting the house on fire. I won’t get into anymore graphic details but 2 rolls of paper towels, 5 gym towels, 1 bottle of bleach, 1 big bag of crap covered toys and 2 1/2 hours later her room still smells like a dumpster fire.”


Facebook

I swear I do everything I can to show these kids I love them but they turn on me when I least expect it. Anyway, I write these trials and tribulations of mine to not only do my part to spread written contraception and to strike fear in the hearts of new parents but also to remind myself that no matter what I’m going through, at least I’m not cleaning hot baby crap out of the gears of my daughter’s play set again.”

Kelsey Straeter
Posted By

Kelsey is an editor at Outreach. She’s passionate about fear fighting, freedom writing, and the pursuit of excellence in the name of crucifying perfectionism. Glitter is her favorite color, 2nd only to pink, and 3rd only to pink glitter.

Comments