I’m 41 years old, and I’ve been married to the same amazing man for almost two decades. But if I could rewind time to when I was a single, naive virgin, here’s what I would say…
Dear pre-married self, (circa 1994)
I know you’re single now, but in just a couple months you will start seriously dating the man God intended for you. And here’s the kicker – you’ve known him since third grade. Yeah, that boy with the bowl haircut who secretly put love letters in your desk. Well, even though you blew him off for years, you two will soon fall in love and your life will be forever changed. But first, let me clue you in on some sex and intimacy tips that just might help you along the way.
10. Sexual Intimacy Is Going to Bring on Some Wildly Mixed Emotions to Start
All you’ve been taught up to this point are things such as purity, abstinence and being a wholesome girl, but then with two vows, some rings and a kiss everything changes? It will be hard to wrap your mind around this at first, but with time you’ll realize it’s just what God designed. Learn to let go and embrace this new found freedom. What you once held back on is now a wonderful gift so embrace it.
9. Sex Creates a Physical AND Emotional Bond
You may not fully understand this at first, but you will. Sexual intimacy is not just all physical, it truly grows you together and forms an emotional closeness you’ve never known. Through this you become dependent on one another in life that’s healthy. This intimacy is needed to mature your marriage in a godly way.
8. He Thinks About Sex. A Lot
How many times do you believe he thinks about sex in one day? Whatever you first thought — multiply that by 20. I know that is completely foreign to you right now, but you’ll quickly understand. Just know this: God specifically designed him this way and that’s a good thing. Don’t ever get annoyed with that and don’t be a prude. Give freely and often. He will be happy and he’ll automatically think you’re one hot girl because of it. You’re welcome.
7. Try Your Best to Set Your Emotions Aside
This tip will be more of a challenge for you because a) you’re a girl and b) you tend to let your emotions get the best of you which could interfere with your sex life if you let it. You may let the events of your day, words said to you, or a crazy mix of hormones to cause a damaging effect on your mind. These things can pull you away from being intimate. Please don’t fall into this habit. Life is hard at times, but your husband needs you and you need him too.
6. Pay Attention to His Emotions Too
Just so you know, sex for him is not all physical. He too has emotions. If he feels wanted by you, his only girl, his everyday stresses and worries suddenly become meaningless. His world could be crumbling all around him, but if you are there in his corner, he has all he needs. Your love and approval are everything.
5. Don’t Wait for an Invite
Remember the point about purity and being that wholesome girl? It may not be in you to be so “forward,” but you now have full permission to be a little aggressive, sexually speaking. It’s good for you to initiate every once in awhile and I’m sure he’ll approve of this idea of yours.
4. Don’t Hold Back Sex as Punishment
In all marriages, there will be strife. Some issues will be bigger than others, but it’s inevitable at some point you will disagree. Try to work through those issues, and don’t drag things out on your end. Holding grudges is never attractive. And whatever you do, don’t punish him by holding back sex. Don’t use the power of abstinence to send a message of resentment or “pay back”. Marital intimacy thrives on giving.
3. Be Open to Him About What Works for You
Yes, I’m going there. You won’t believe it, but somehow it gets to this point in marriage and that’s a good thing. And just so you know, a healthy sex life is usually reflecting a healthy marriage. And for sex to work well, communication is key.
2. Throw Negative Body Image Out the Door
Someday your body will birth four large babies and it will never be what it once was. But thankfully, he loves you regardless. And just because you’re now a rockstar mom doesn’t mean you stop caring for yourself – just don’t believe the lie that you have to be a supermodel to turn him on. He loves you for you and what you’ve created over many years of marriage is a thing of beauty in itself.
1. Good Things Are Ahead!
You will think the honeymoon is pretty amazing, but guess what? It just keeps getting better with time! Speaking to you almost two decades later, sex is now etching it’s way to a thing of a masterpiece. Thankfully you’ve followed his godly lead in your marriage and by God’s grace, you can’t help falling in love with him over and over again. So keep your eyes on him only and your future with him will be a blast.
By the way, I’m really hoping he is setting aside money for that dream trip of yours to Paris for your 20th anniversary next year, cause yeah, that would be awesome.
Jenna Orme is a mom to four handsome boys, happy wife to Brian and passionate about following Christ and finding ways to be grateful in every situation!