11 Weird Church Distractions that kinda Make You Feel Like the Worst Christian Ever
1. The Friggin’ Adorable Kid
You know, the one who makes noises and faces at you as he peers over his mama’s shoulder.
And as she tries to calm him down, you can’t help but secretly encourage him to misbehave by silently cooing and making weird baby faces back. After all, God said we are to become like little children, right?
2. The Windmill Worshiper
This person has precisely zero concept of personal space.
You super admire their passion for getting down with the Lord in their own personal style, but also secretly fantasize about praying them into a permanent Holy Spirit straitjacket if they elbow knock you one. more. time.
3. The Big Hair Pew Sitter
That lady with the seriously big “do” who plants herself right in front of your 5’4″ self, though there are clearly 6 open seats on either side of her. This is always such a distraction.
You can’t see one thing all service long, except an occasional glimpse of the pastor peeking through those Aqua Net instant-freezed waves of glory. Faith can move mountains, but it can’t touch that mound of hairspray.
4. The Holy Roller
That guy in row 2 that’s so on fire for the Lord that you’re too blinded by his light to see Jesus.
5. The Amen Abuser
This guy is a cousin to the holy roller… carefully inserting an emphatic hoop, holler, hallelujah, and/or “AMEN” after every 3 words the preacher speaks, just to make sure that you know he’s got the Spirit—even though he’s Holy Ghost blocking you like a boss.
6. The Canoodling Couple
They just can’t keep their hands off each other through a 45-minute sermon.
Hand-holding and an arm around the shoulder is one thing—but let’s face it, if they are straight up pew spooning and look like they’re about to make love to “Amazing Love,” somebody needs to school them on the “10 Commandments of Church PDA.”
You don’t wanna look, but like trainwrecks, sometimes ya just can’t help but watch these distractions…
7. The Tummy Rumbler Is Always One of The Big Distractions
Okay, so we’ve all been here at one point or another, but when the grumbling bowel orchestra of your neighbor starts to drown out the worship band to the point where your own mouth starts watering for a double-bacon cheeseburger, there’s a problem. It’s full of distractions and it’s a real problem.
8. Killer-Cute Kid Worshipper
The kid who’s a better worshiper than you are, messes with your church focus for 3 key reasons:
#1- Royal cuteness
#2- Insane jealousy that a mere babe has a greater attention span and connection with the Lord, though you’ve been a seasoned believer for the last 20 years.
#3- Guilt-ridden repentance for both #1 and #2, keeping you from the revelation and spiritual bliss that you’re supposed to be soaking up at this very moment.
9. The Competitive Worshipper
The anything-you-can-sing-I-can-sing-louder girl is always full of distractions. #NuffSaid
10. The Not-So-Heavenly-Tasting Communion Bread.
You try reminding yourself that this is not designed to taste like peaches ‘n’ cream as it’s clearly about joining together to partake in the body of Christ—but…Where’s the wine already?!?
11. The Mean Girls Club
And then of course there’s the Christian “Mean Girls” Club. With 11am service as their social hour and you as their witness, their Sunday morning, pre-brunch protocol usually looks a little something like this:
It starts with some innocent mindless chatter, generally paired with distractions and hand motions.
Then comes the back-and-forth hype about all the latest church accessories. “I love your new pink leather-back Message Bible. Where did you get it?”…Followed by, “I love YOUR new limited edition cross bangle bracelet. Are those diamonds for real??”
Then it’s the not-so-gossipy gossip session—because it doesn’t actually count as gossip if they are totally only talking about Shanna’s cheating husband so they can add him to their prayer list…
But just to make sure people know that they’re not trash-talking, they make sure to drop a little positive one-liner about Shanna at the end: “I love Shanna. She’s so strong for dealing with this like a Proverbs 31 woman.” Nothing says anti-gossip like a little S.W.A.C. (sealed with a compliment)
And the worst part is, as you scoff and judge them for being judgmental, in that moment, you realize you’re just as bad.
We all have our Sunday morning vices (and if you don’t, please pray for the rest of us.) Sooo thank God there’s grace for all of the above. We’re all kinda bad at being Christians when it comes right down to it, but I’m glad we’re an imperfect Church covered by a perfect God.
Luckily, I think He also has a sense of humor about how human we are, so we might as well get a good laugh out of it too!
These 11 are just a start, but I tell ya, #1 & 9 get me every time. What are your church distractions?
And what would you add to the list?