Within about 2 hours of arriving at the hospital, it was time to push. Oh my goodness I was so not ready for this, emotionally or physically. This was it. I knew within a day or two my baby girl would no longer be mine. She arrived, and she was perfect. She had 10 little fingers and 10 perfect little toes. Her lungs were so strong. That girl could cry, and still to this day she uses those lungs!
Family gathered in the hospital room and everyone had time with my precious Kya Monet. We named her knowing they would change her name, but for me it was important I gave her something that was mine.
I held Kya tight and loved her with my whole being. I knew my time was short and my heart was breaking. The nurses all loved me so well and met me where I was in those hard moments. January 11th was my last full day with her. I remember sitting on the hospital bathroom floor holding her and sobbing. Guttural sobs from the depths of my soul. She was my baby, how could I give her up? I simply couldn’t believe this was it. This would be the only time she was just mine.
I wavered. I fought. I cried. I broke. But in the end, I knew what I needed to do. I knew what was best for her and her future, and it simply wasn’t me being her mom.
