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Standing in the Shame That Shatters My Soul: “The Truth Must Be Told No Matter How Ugly It Is”

This pain is a noose. Choked beneath the weight of my past, I can’t breathe. The past and the present look nothing alike; and yet, here I stand, feeling every bit as naked and ashamed as I did then. As if all the growth and change still isn’t enough. As if I, still, am not enough.

I pride myself on my rigorous honesty. My almost embarrassing level of truth-telling that has always exposed me just a little more than I can contain. While I feel as though I am supposed to apologize for that, I simply can’t.

Having someone stand in the cracks of your past is a scary endeavor.

Will they get lost in there?

Will those cracks become bigger than me?

Will they become stuck between the then and now just as I once did?

Will they find their way back to solid ground? Back to me?

I dragged my body out of there and tried to find the balance between acknowledging what it was and never looking back. I stand in the truth of the present and despite my fight, that history still has its hands all over me.

Shame is never too far away. It sits and waits for small, dark opportunities to silence and suffocate. The quiet of my shame pierces my ears; and as I speak my truth, it pierces the ears of those I love too. There is no victory in the face of that. The only victory I know is in continuing to stand, continuing to breathe, continuing to speak despite the strength of that deadly noose, lest I allow it to take all I am, yet again.

I want to hide. Standing here right now I feel like I’m being devoured by my own life. The mirror is held up again in its taunting method of discovery and it sneers, “Remember that ugly little thing?” I have no choice but to say, “Yes,” as the one I love most stands beside me watching what the mirror reveals.

Death was in that reflection. I died a thousand deaths, a thousand different ways; and despite my life today, the power of the past still tries to destroy me.

“Lioness,” you thought? Ha! You’re still that weak piece of trash you always were.

Rachael Boley
Rachael Boley
Rachael Boley is a 31-year-old single mom of 3 little nuggets–identical twin 4 1/2-year-olds and a 3-year-old. She works full time as an Oncology Social Worker, and in her “spare time,” she wrestles, snuggles, and loves on her three boys. She moonlights as a blogger and writer, and spends her days learning to enjoy this crazy, messy beautiful life of single motherhood. Follow her on her blog Three Boys and a Mom and on her Facebook Page, and read more of her writings at Divorced Moms.

Chick-fil-A Summer Skills Camp Stirs Up Controversy With People Calling it “Child Labor”

A Chick-fil-A Summer Camp has sparked a lively debate about teaching children life skills through blue collar jobs. While some view it as an innovative educational opportunity, others see it as a controversial initiative that treads close to child labor.

10 Team USA Athletes to Watch in the 2024 Olympic Games

Here are 10 standout athletes to watch as the 2024 Olympic games draw near, each bringing their unique talents and stories to the grand stage.

12-Year-Old Girl Dies by Suicide After Being Relentlessly Bullied and Harassed at School

After facing relentless bullying and harassment over the past school year, 12-year-old Flora Martinez ended her life on May 7. Now, her parents are demanding change from schools and administrators after the bullying persisted, even once she was gone.