Right.
Finally, I was able to make him understand what had gone down, and that I needed cleaning supplies, and stat. He went off to look for a mop and bleach. And air freshener. And anti-bacterial wipes. And…you get the idea.
About that time a man walked up to the bathroom. I told him in no uncertain terms that he could not, SHOULD NOT, go in. I directed him to the ladies’ bathroom. He looked irritated and huffed off.
I went back in the men’s restroom, barely able to see through the laughter-tears. The employee came back, this time bringing his lucky friend and the store manager, who at this point probably has my face on a wanted poster hanging around their restaurant.
I heard things like, “oh, it’s not that bad,” and, “oh, we’ve seen worse,” and, “you know, this happens more than you might think.” And I knew it was all BS.
I refused to let them clean it up. I just couldn’t. Instead, I, the crazy lady, got on my hands and knees and scrubbed the bathroom from top to bottom, maniacally laughing the entire time I did it. With a naked kid standing at my side.
After what felt like 20 minutes had passed, I was finally done. With the bathroom, that is. Then it was time to tackle the poop-covered Perpetrator standing next to me. The manager left, commenting on just how fresh the bathroom smelled. I am 99% sure it still smelled like rotting flesh and that we were just immune to the odor at that point.
Anyway, I took The Perpetrator and put him in the sink. I started washing, scrubbing. I doused him in antibacterial soap and hand sanitizer, and then I cleaned some more. At this point, it was just me and the teenage employee left in the men’s restroom, and The Perpetrator, of course.
As I continued to wash the poop from every crevice on his body the bathroom door swung open. A middle-aged man walked in. He looked at me.
Now, one would think this was a shocking sight, not something one sees every time he walks into the bathroom at a fast-food joint. A teenager, a woman, and a three-year-old kid being bathed in the sink.
Apparently, though, this guy must see it all the time.
He walked in and glanced at me, nodded his head, then walked to the urinal directly next to the sink I was using to bathe The Perpetrator. He stared straight ahead, unfazed, unzipped his fly, and whipped out his firehose. The next thing I heard was the steady stream of tinkle in the urinal.
It was at this point that I officially lost my mind.
You would think it had already happened, but I had managed to hold onto a shred of sanity. However, when brother-man whipped out his junk and started the evacuation process 12 inches from me like it was just another day in the men’s room, I couldn’t stop myself. I stared at him in awe, threw my arms up in the air and yelled, “well…OKAY THEN!” Then I fell on the ground in a ball laughing until I thought my head was going to explode. I looked up when I heard him finish, watched him shake off (yes, literally, he shook off), zip up his drawers, and walk out the door (the sink was currently occupied by the poo-covered kid bathing in it so I can’t fault him for skipping the hand washing).
The teenage Chick-fil-A employee had eyes as wide as saucers, and I was coming unraveled. I grabbed The Perpetrator from the sink, the trash bag full of his soiled clothes, and carried them out into the restaurant to gather my other two kids.
I realized that most everyone in the restaurant had to have heard the commotion (i.e., my hysteria) coming from the bathroom when every eye was trained on me as I walked out. Well, either they were on me or the still-slightly-poop-covered naked kid I was holding.
Somehow I managed to get the other two kids in hand and we walked out of the restaurant together, me laughing/screeching/crying all the way to the car.
This is real life. This is my life.
Now, for those who read me regularly, you know this is where I normally add some spiritual wisdom, some scripture, some truth for us to hang our hats on.
Today, the truth I leave you with is simply this:
LIFE IS FUNNY.
LIFE IS HARD.
EITHER WAY, LAUGH OFTEN.
Feel Free to Laugh!
Jordan
Buy Jordan’s book #FeelFreetoLaugh on Amazon!
