This Dad’s Rant on the Sleep-Deprived Parent Life is 100% Hysterical Because TRUTH

By Clint Edwards

Mel and I have been having a lot of long nights with our youngest, Aspen. She came down with Hand, Foot and Mouth on Christmas day. After that we had a string of colds. Then there was daylight savings. I honestly don’t know when one day ends and another begins anymore, but what I do know is that Mel and I have been saying some crazy things in the night. Every time this happens, it just seems right to write some of them down. So…here is another list of crazy things said while up in the night with children.

Names have been removed to protect the innocent.

  1. If you let me sleep for 30 more minutes I won’t kill you.


  1. If she doesn’t start sleeping I’m going to release her into the wild.


  1. I don’t know where your binky is, but when I find it, I’m going to tape it to your mouth!


  1. I had sex with you last night so you’d get up in the morning, ok? OK?


  1. I’ve been up for two hours watching YouTube videos of kids opening plastic eggs and now I just want to die.
  1. It’s 4 a.m. I can’t peek or boo right now. Peek and boo all gone. Only night night. Tell me you understand.

  1. We ran out of milk and I started crying.


  1. Normal people don’t crap their pants at midnight, ok? You need to figure that out real fast. I can’t believe you don’t pay rent.


  1. I’m positive she hates us. That’s why she’s not sleeping. Only hate could do this.


  1. I’m going to bed with puke on my shirt. Will you still love me tomorrow?


What are some of the crazy things you have said while up with children?

About the Author: Clint Edwards is the author of No Idea What I’m Doing: A Daddy Blog. He lives in Oregon. Follow him on Facebook and Twitter.

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