Humor

Dear Christian Men in Tank Tops

I’ve read one too many blogs on yoga pants and women (especially Christian women), so I decided Christian men and tank tops should be treated in the same manner…

Dear Christian men in tank tops,

I understand that they might be comfortable. I understand they might be made out of really soft material. I understand that – in some circles – they might be seen as trendy right now. I understand that, given the weather, they just really make the most sense right now. I even understand it may be laundry day anddddd it’s the last thing clean. But what I don’t understand? Why you think this is about you.

**cropped to not show the full arm, in hopes of protecting my fellow sisters**
Because, Christian men in tank tops, this clearly isn’t about you or your comfort or your autonomy. I can’t fathom how you would possibly think that – we’re talking your body and your clothing choices. Why would that involve you? Clearly this is about us.  

Because we – the Christian women – are who matter here. We are the ones who have to see your tank tops. We are the ones who have to walk by them, be near them, maybe even need to talk to you while you’re wearing them.

What do you expect of us?! I can’t avert my eyes, when your arms are so obviously in my field of vision. I can’t stop myself from thinking impure thoughts, as you are so clearly leading me to do. I can’t go on living my life like normal because – hello – there is now a man in a tank top in my vicinity. We’re emotional creatures, after all. We simply don’t have the strong logic of males, which allows for self-control. We can’t possibly think of anything else once a tank top man walks by. It’s not our fault; it’s how we’re wired.

And do we even need to talk about the men who think they’re in shape enough to wear tank tops…. but actually aren’t? You bet we need to talk about them, because there are so many of you! Why? If you don’t have the body of Brad Pitt or Chris Hemsworth or – let’s just be real – the photoshopped images I see on magazine covers, how can you even go near a tank top? Aren’t you embarrassed to even think about tank tops? Maybe you should just go to the gym every time you consider wearing a tank top, and in, like, 3 years you might be tank-top worthy. Maybe. The scales are always changing.

Speaking of the gym, I know you might now be thinking – but what about there?? What if the tank top in question is really exercise clothes, what if you simply wear it to the gym and promise to change right after? Guys – we’ve been over this. This isn’t about your comfort; this is about women. We, too, go to the gym – we have a right to distraction-free exercise, right?? Or what if you stop at Starbucks on the way home – think of the women you might run into there. Think about all the possible women you might encounter in your so-called “work out clothes”, and think again about your outfit choice.

Better yet, think of all the married women you might see while in your tank top! Do you really want to be the kind of man who makes married women stumble?? Shame. Shame on you and your tank tops. Think of the broken marriages, the children, the pain – all from your tank tops. All from your selfishness.

Don’t even get me started on tank tops AND TATTOOS. Lord have mercy. Avert your eyes, ladies.

There is responsibility in purity, of course. That responsibility is yours. It’s called the responsibility to think while getting dressed – think of every single female you might encounter today, think of their needs, think of how you can make their life easier. Don’t think for a second about you, your needs for the day, or your comfort; as Christians, we’re called to think of others, after all.

Look, I’m just being honest here. You should really be thanking me, for how honest and vulnerable – me! a woman! – I am being right now, writing to you. I could go on and let you live in sin, but I care about you. I could go on and let women lust over you, but I care about the community of Christ. I could go on and pretend like I don’t have eyes and a sex drive – but, you know what? I care. Isn’t that kind of me? I’m seeing a problem and I’m letting you know how to fix it. I’m creating a solution and putting it in your hands!!! (…and the weight of it on your shoulders)

You’re welcome.

Really, you’re welcome.

Did I mention how kind it is of me to have this awkward conversation with you?? I just care. I care so much. You’re welcome about that, too.

Sincerely,

Your struggling sister in Christ

Long sleeves forever, please. (preferably with a Bible in hand at all times.)

**Editor’s Note: Before we cast any stones, it’s satire folks–meant to be taken in good humor–not to create a tank-top/yoga-pant war on modesty. 😉

Krysti Wilkinson
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Krysti Wilkinson eats too much ice cream & reads too many books. She likes to laugh at bad puns, talk about Jesus, and write down her thoughts. You can connect with her on Facebook or she tweets and 'grams @krystiwithakay.

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