I have felt like such a loser lately. Each time I sit down to write a post, all I see is the blank screen staring back at me.
I’ve got nothing.
I want to encourage wives. I feel so burdened for women who might be feeling alone and isolated. I want to tell them to keep going. I want them to continue the battle because I know it’s worth it. No amount of green grass on the other side is going to satisfy them or fix their current problems. Running away won’t solve anything.
The thing is, I feel like I just keep going backward in my marriage, so how can I point anyone forward? I have so many insecurities and fears, I feel unable to chase away anyone else’s monsters. I’m no expert, but after over twenty years, one would think I would be better at this whole wife thing. Instead, I feel like we are spinning our wheels and I am pretty sure everyone else is way ahead of us. I mean, Facebook tells me this nonstop. We certainly don’t look as amazing as all of those kissy couples who still look starry-eyed for each other. While I know we only see the window dressing of people’s real lives, it’s hard to keep comparison away.
Our marriage feels like an episode of Groundhog’s Day lately. We keep having the same argument over and over. Seriously. It’s the same stupid hurdle and we jump it every single day. I hear myself talk and think, “Surely, I am not saying these same words again, am I?”
It goes something like this:
Me: I feel really insecure lately. I feel like it’s impossible to stay married in this crazy, insane culture we live in. How can we withstand it? You travel a lot, and I am sure you love being away from me. It’s only a matter of time before the bottom drops out. What if you meet someone who wears heels and thinks you are so funny? I’m just here homeschooling each day, lucky if I have time to fix my hair. How can I compete with whatever is out there?
Scott: I feel like you don’t trust me when you say that. I think you need to lean on God more and make Him your main focus. And I don’t like to travel so I can escape home. It’s my job, but I get sick of being gone. I would choose to be with our kids all day, so be grateful. And I don’t want to hurt our marriage. I am just tired lately. I have so much on my plate. We aren’t as bad off as you think. You are just comparing us to others. Everyone is struggling, they just don’t show it!
Me: I adore being a mom, but it isn’t very glamorous… And it just seems like you are on another planet lately, and I feel like you might prefer being on the road and away from the chaos. I sure would . . .
Scott: I would rather be home. And I’m just tired. I don’t think I am sleeping well. You are being overly emotional. When you are emotional all logic goes out the window.
Me: You could stand to be a little more emotional. And we need more dates.
Scott: We just went on a date last night. And I have a paper due, can we chat later about this?
Me: I guess we need a date like every day. Maybe more.
So, how can I blog about marriage and encourage anyone when I am clearly so immature and lacking faith? I am no help at all! Well, I decided that maybe I am not alone. And maybe my words really don’t matter unless I am shouting out the only real answer. I am certain other wives feel like jealous, insecure, needy crazies. Maybe we all just need sleep, but mostly we need the Gospel. Whatever it is, a blog or a book, or Oprah, can’t give the hope and peace that we are all clamoring after. So I can let myself off the hook a little because we are all in the same boat. We all have the same fears and are all searching for the same deep abiding love. And we are all tired of being lonely.