Last year we added three kids to our family in five months. In March, we adopted our 9-year-old son from China, and then our two teen nieces came to live with us in June and September.
Let me tell you, I totally underestimated how difficult an older child adoption would be. We adopted our daughter from China at the age of one, and it was seamless. Instant attachment. This time, I felt like a tidal wave of fear hit me.
This little boy had a whole history, people he loved that he had to leave behind, and spoke a different language than me. His grief was so deep, and I felt myself backpedaling away from him after they left him with us that first day. Scott found me in the closet crying one day in Nanjing. He said, “But, didn’t you wait for this and want him?” I did. That was why I was so confused about how distant I felt from him.
The next few months were hard. I was frightened that we had taken on too much. I had to go through the motions of loving this child, as I waited for feelings of attachment to form. Language is so crucial, I’ve learned. It’s hard to know someone you can’t even talk to.
If love ever felt “nitty-gritty,” to me, it was after this adoption. I kept reminding myself of how afraid he must feel. How uncertain of our love. How scary to be uprooted from the only family you have ever known, only to be given over to people who look, smell, and sound nothing like you.
While trying to connect, I had to get my nieces settled into our home. He must have felt lost in the shuffle. But he is a little trooper, and we have made good progress. I know he is here for a reason and it was God’s plan for us.
Do you know where this left our marriage? The proverbial back burner.
Sometimes I would just sit on our bed, knees up to my chest, and stare out the window, wondering what in the world just happened to us. We had five teens and two 9-year-olds in the house. And I homeschool. If we had marriage issues, it didn’t really matter because we were simply in survival mode and I had no room to even freak out. My restless, worried heart tried to drag me down almost daily.
I would pray each night, “Please God, don’t let me keel over because I have a lot of kids counting on me. And I don’t want Scott to marry someone he likes better than me. Amen.”
Life was a total blur. When people would see me, they would comment on how TIRED I looked. That’s code for, “You look really awful.”
