I speak. I ask questions. I feed curiosity. I stand up. I choose truth. I don’t back away from the darker parts of humanity: the broken, lost, needy, hurting, sick, grieving. I lean in. And not just for other people… but for myself. Part of my journey has been to reconcile and integrate my past (learn from it and transfer that to wisdom for the future). During that process I have had to make some serious commitments to myself. See, when you’re a hardcore self-abandoner like I was, you have some making up to do! I had to go to class! On MYSELF. I discovered who I was by committing to a year of self-learning. I asked questions, took notes, practiced self-care rituals, and learned how to choose me for the first time in my life. Then I lived it.
Life has become playful again through my self-discovery process. I’m not afraid of my feelings anymore, so I don’t have to keep quiet about them. I never knew I could be this free. Not just emotionally, but relationally, mentally, physically, spiritually. There are NO limits on me anymore, because I don’t allow them. I don’t have ANY toxicity in my life because I don’t allow it. And I am no longer running from my feelings because now I understand their purpose: to teach me. They don’t call the shots in my life, but they give me pause to get curious about MY experience in the world. Then I decide what happens next. When I learned to pay attention to all the parts of me (not just the pleasant ones) and I chose to accept them for what they are (pieces of me, not who I am), I unlocked an unstoppable force: my authentic self.
Feelings, cancer, mental illness, suicide, anxiety, divorce, death, fertility struggles, disappointment… we don’t like to talk about them. They are often the ushers of shame, pain, and insecurity. But they are also the very parts of us that make us human. And human beings are an incredible species. We become even more beautiful when we embrace all parts of our humanness–the light and the dark.
And this is what my kids will grow up knowing: each one of us is complete and invaluable just because we are breathing. Let’s respect that in each other and in ourselves.
**This story was originally written by MaryBeth Koenes, of Fort Worth Texas. Follow her journey on her website, Instagram, Facebook, or Twitter.
