Hair. It’s the one thing that we all have experience with: Too much of it, not enough of it, not doing what we want it to do. Great hair day, bad hair day, bed head, “throw it in a ponytail”, wear a hat, and coloring it. I have always been attached to the hair on my head.
I spent most of my life (beginning even in my teens years) growing my hair out saying that I would never cut it. Being from Texas, I wanted to make it is as big as possible. You know what they say: The bigger the hair the closer to God! Well, that’s not true but I certainly acted like that with my attachment to having big, blonde hair!
If a picture says a thousand words, this one shares a novel:
So chemo comes. And it’s time to get rid of it. I have spent so much time in prayer. Ready to let it go but not sure what it was going to look like, feel like. When I felt like I wasn’t at the weight I wanted to be, I would hide behind my hair. It was easy to do. It has always been a kind of “security blanket” like Linus carries with him in Charlie Brown.
I had a choice to make: shave my head or allow the chemo [to] take it. Each person has a personal preference of letting it fall out or taking it themselves, but I chose to do it myself. Wes took me to have my hair styled at a salon one more time before I would do it.
Why I Chose to Shave My Head Before Treatment
The short answer for choosing this is because I believed it would be less traumatizing than watching it fall out in clumps on the pillow at night, or seeing hair chunks falling to the floor while it was being brushed. Men and women both have stated that psychologically, it feels less like chemo/cancer is mastering you if you take the head-shaving step into your own hands! I also respect those who choose to let it fall out. It really is personal preference.
Chemo is something that I went through to help save my life and it did not define me. I would not allow it to own me. It would not control my joy. I wanted to live my life where my identity was not in my hair, my diagnosis, or my appearance. My identity is in Jesus Christ alone. I wanted the world to see his majesty and love and how he sustained me through this.
The Moments Leading Up to Shaving My Head
My sweet Wes booked an appointment and God sent the right girl to shave it. Her name was Kendall and she was a Disney loving, ball of life! She and Wes made me as comfortable as this situation could possibly be.
Right before we began, I went [into] the bathroom and prayed. I said,
“God, I don’t know what this is going to look like and how others will react. I know that chemo is trying to save me and that is why I am doing this. Help me to find my identity in you. Help me to find my security in you. It’s a long journey to be on and will take time to grow it back. Please help me to love others and love myself the way that you love me. I love you. Thank you for ultimately saving me through Jesus’ death on the cross. Please hold me close. Amen.”
I snapped this selfie in the bathroom, and off I went back to the spot that I would become bald.
Shaving My Head
I didn’t cry one tear. As Kendall put my hair in a ponytail and cut it out, I smiled. I felt a security blanket holding me close as it was happening. But not a blanket like Linus carries. A warmth and comfort that came from above; a divine hug from God. I wish I could explain it more clearly but it was the one most beautiful moments I had ever experienced.
