I can remember roughly six years ago reading the Old Testament and I paused at one verse in particular. Well, actually, if you’ve sat down and read the Old Testament through I’m sure you’ll agree that you do a lot of stopping and pondering, but the specific verse I’m referring to was in Exodus.
“But the LORD hardened Pharaoh’s heart and he would not listen to Moses and Aaron, just as the LORD had said to Moses.”
Upon first reading, I naturally couldn’t understand. Why would God turn the heart of a man against those who He found favor in, like Moses and the Israelites? I mean, He wanted His people to go. Later, God would show me why.
But at the time I thought about it throughout the day off and on as I cleaned house, and somewhere between the bathroom sink and tub I felt the Lord speak to me. Have you ever had situations where God speaks to your spirit and it’s so powerful and certain that you have no doubt it’s His voice? Well, I’ve had this happen several times over the years, and this was one of those times. The thing was, in my human mind, it made no sense what He said. It didn’t seem to coincide with things I had learned so far in my Christian walk, yet for some reason, it just resonated with my spirit as true. I’ll try to explain.
As I stood scrubbing my bathroom, I felt the Lord impress strongly upon me, “I hardened his heart. I changed it.”
I knew immediately what He was referring to. Although, at the time, it was about four years since my divorce, I had recently begun having trouble with it. I hated that it bothered me! After all, I had gotten remarried to a wonderful man, and we had started a beautiful family. I was incredibly happy; I had no doubt, yet some strange part of me felt bad about my divorce. I did believe divorce to be a sin, but I had confessed to the Lord my fault in that relationship. I suppose a large part of my pain from my divorce resided in the fact that I felt rejected and unworthy. My ex-husband had come home one day and proclaimed he did not love me anymore.
Anytime you become one flesh with someone, you make soul ties that are not easily broken. I had spent years working through the release of this relationship, but what remained was a broken piece of myself that felt I was the kind of woman worth leaving. It had wounded me deeply, following in the heart-steps of my biological father’s abandonment of me, and while I need you to understand that I’m not trying to play the victim card here, I am laying out honestly how my human heart felt after these broken relationships.
