I looked to the corner of my room and saw grief sitting there, smiling, tipping his hat with a wink as if he were welcoming me to the party. I looked back to the bed. Still empty. And then it happened. I fell to my knees, and then to my back. It came from up from my gut. I could almost physically feel it moving to the top of my abdomen, to my chest, into my neck and then my head. I cannot describe the pain. It was like my soul was slowly being ripped away from my body. I was covered in the heaviness of it all and could not control any of it. Not the feeling, not the thoughts, not the horrific sounds that came with it. Nothing. I was consumed. I was consumed with grief. I laid on the floor in the fetal position and let grief take over. I let the pain in. I let the nightmare play out. I screamed. I banged my fists on the floor. I pulled at my hair and I writhed. I cried. I cried harder than I ever have in my entire life and then as suddenly as it came, it was gone. The room was still. It was quiet. My body stopped convulsing. I took a deep breath in and looked around. I looked back to the corner, hoping grief was gone. But he was still there. He was still sitting there, watching. But this time, when I turned my head in his direction, I looked him in the eye. I locked onto him.
And in that moment, his eyes softened, and he cried with me.
Grief felt as badly as I did. Grief felt the same pain I did. Grief hurt as much as I did. And, grief hated it, too. He didn’t want to hurt me every day. He didn’t want me to feel bad or scared or anxious every minute. He didn’t want me to cry. But, he had a job to do and that night, he did it. I nodded at him. He smiled back at me, but not a taunting smile this time. No, a smile that told me that even though he would never leave, it was going to be ok, and I was going to survive.
Grief still hangs out with me to this day. But, he doesn’t scare me anymore. I don’t fear him. I’m not trying to get rid of him. And the less I fight him, the less he comes around. He doesn’t take up residency in my life anymore, but he does come to visit. Sometimes, he stays for days, sometimes, he stays for minutes, and sometimes, he just walks alongside me. For so long, I viewed him as my enemy and now, I view him as a reminder of how thankful I am to have loved somebody so much, and so deeply, that it was so hard to lose.
