Grace carried me through the next year as I vacillated between gratitude and grief, struggling to stand on unsteady ground.
On this day 1 year ago, I could breathe for the first time in 6 years. I had real breath. Breath that filled my whole chest and generated life in my bones. I had memories of hell and scars as evidence of its existence, but I had freedom. In the face of all we lost, I could see the beauty in what we’d found. Strength I didn’t know I had. Forgiveness I didn’t believe was possible. Appreciation I didn’t think could be real. I had walked out of hell and washed away the last of its remains. The restoration wasn’t seamless but I had learned how to let go and there was a blazing beauty in that.
On this day now, I am astonished at what can happen when we walk despite weak knees, believe despite shattered hope, forgive despite unforgivable actions, and love against all odds. The fire that engulfed me 7 years ago has changed from the fervor of hell to the vigor of life. Those ashes I covered myself in have been washed away. The fear that once consumed my every breath has been replaced with faith. The collateral damage from years of unhealthy love and misguided efforts has been transformed into collateral beauty filled with gifts I never imagined.
On this day today, I am grateful. I am whole. I have learned how to hold space for the past as it paved the way for the future. I accept that nothing is without flaw and some seasons will be more difficult than others; but I understand that as we refuse to give up and we hold onto hope, new life is found. I respect the wreckage and cling to the healing.
On this day, I am equal parts past and future. Messy and beautiful. Broken and mended. Ruined and redeemed.
On this day, everything has changed; yet I am more me than I have ever been.
