“Hi, my name is Kate and I am 36 and I’m having a serious case of lost identity. Or maybe it’s a midlife crisis. Or a little post-partum depression. Or maybe I’m just tired, overweight and mentally drained.
Who knows which one.
I have three boys, a husband, a home, and a job I love. I am beyond blessed.
I have devoted my life to the humans in my life. And again, most days, I am happy to do it. But some days, some weeks, I don’t feel that way. I feel like I have lost myself along the way.
I look in the mirror and I hardly recognize myself anymore. And as I approach middle agedness, that is really scary.
It’s not that I necessarily look old. It’s that I look like someone I don’t even recognize. I look tired. I look like I’ve let myself go. I look angry. I look really rushed.
Rushed to shower. Rushed to eat. Rushed at stoplights. Rushed at pick up and drop off. Rushed to get dinner on the table. Even rushed at Target. Rushed to type this because a baby is screaming, and one is getting off the bus in 11 minutes.
And that can’t possibly be me. Rushed. I’m typically unrattled. I’m the one who can handle anything. The boy mom. The special needs mom. The happy one. The positive one. I always smile. I always find the joy.
But lately, I feel almost empty.
I feel like I wasted my education. I feel like a housekeeper, a cook, a chauffeur, and a ringleader. I feel like I always have sick kids and I can’t finish the laundry or squeeze my butt into my fat jeans. I know I’m a good mom. I don’t doubt myself in that department. But I also feel like all I am is a mom sometimes.
I feel like I’m disappearing into nothing. Some days I am shocked at what upsets me. I didn’t know I could be jealous of my husband forgetting to poop alone. He’ll be in the bathroom, on his phone, and I’ll be angry.
I’ll yell for him to hurry up as one kid is crying, the other one needs to be fed and the phone is ringing.
The other day my husband and I drew straws to determine who got to go upstairs and change the pee sheets. Because it meant 5 minutes alone. I lost.
I didn’t know that I could consider a shower a luxury either. Or not have time to do it. It blows my mind.
