“Manic depression. That’s what is in these photos below. I’m a mother of 4. I feel my life spiral away from me. I use what little energy I have for my job and my children. By the end of the day, I want nothing more than to lay in the dark. I can’t sleep, but I can’t be productive.
Sometimes on days I have off, I stay in bed so long my body is sore. Some days I have to give myself a pep talk so I can get up and finally brush the knots out of my hair. Some days I look in the mirror and cry at what I see. I look at my kids and tell myself they would have a better opportunity at life if I wasn’t in it. I imagine ways I can die by accident so my loved ones won’t hate me for killing myself.
I take at least 3 showers a day. Sitting under the water wondering when I’ll have my mania, hoping it will last longer than the depression has. I cry all the time. Over anything and everything. I push away my partner in belief he deserves someone better. That he must not really love me because no one should. But this is just the depression.
Then comes my mania. Like today. I’ll clean like crazy.
Trying to catch up on all my depression has made me fall behind on. I’ll do a bunch of laundry. I’ll do my hair and my makeup. I’ll cook my family an amazing meal.
I’ll laugh too loud, too often. I’ll message and call people my depression has kept me from. I’ll play extra long with the kids. I’ll take a nice long shower. One where I stand and wash my hair real well.
I’ll lotion up and perfume myself. I’ll take really good care of the body my depression was making me ignore. I’ll cuddle my partner and be able to communicate how lucky I am to have him. And how grateful I am for his presence. How lucky I am to have him stick by me through the dark. All while wondering when depression will strike again. The worst is that my depression can last weeks, months even. But I’ll be lucky to get one full week of mania.
I wish this was a better talked about subject. I wish I could communicate better with my friends and family. But just know, us people struggling love you all. Through the depression and the mania.”
**This post was written by Krystal Rosario and originally appeared on her Facebook page.
