“My heart fell through my chest and into my stomach. Tears started streaming down my face, and I cupped my face in disbelief as I gleamed at the little stick in between my fingers.
I was going to be a mom again!
I was going to be a mom again, after a third trimester loss three and a half years ago. I was going to be a mom again, after a tumultuous and terrifying subsequent pregnancy that ended prematurely due to preeclampsia, but still gave me my ‘rainbow baby’ who is two and a half years old now.
For over a year, I found myself pleading to some higher power, to bless us with a sibling for our baby in heaven and our baby on earth. Though, more often than not, it seemed like I was wishing for the impossible.
The year 2019 started off with heart wrenching long-term hospitalization that took me away from my family. That same year ended with a dream come true, knowing we would get to welcome our third baby in the summer of 2020. Finally, I had felt the sigh of relief I had been needing. The calm after the storm I had been yearning for was finally here.
And then the world went into lock down over the COVID-19 pandemic.
Like most, I wasn’t sure to what degree this virus would change our lives, if it would at all. Then, little by little, things kept popping up that made my anxiety peak. Grocery stores were getting wiped out. Several others expecting in my mom groups were reporting cancelled appointments and ultrasounds. Suddenly it wasn’t JUST the elderly and sick dying, like initially boasted. Every prenatal clinic I attend started screening with multiple questions prior to any visit. Spouses and any other accompaniment was strictly prohibited, too.
Then my husband got laid off, which is terrifying when you’re a one-income family as it is, but especially so if you’re also expecting a baby in a matter of months. It was from that point on, things started feeling incredibly real. The dreams I had over how this pregnancy would be were just more things I had to let go of.
Before this pandemic struck, I already had plenty of reasons to worry about this baby. After a history of stillbirth, preeclampsia, and IUGR (Intrauterine Growth Restriction) with my first two pregnancies, I was already considered a high-risk pregnancy. At around 12 weeks, my doctors warned me my risk was even higher, after recently being diagnosed with Lupus. Lupus not only increases risk to my unborn baby, it also makes me immunocompromised and puts me more in danger of complications if I were to contract COVID-19 (in turn, possibly endangering the pregnancy as well).
I had any and all hope for this pregnancy. Despite having so many possibilities to fear, I was determined to make this pregnancy the one I was going to celebrate. I have little to no memories of my first two. I had no baby shower, no gender reveal, no photos. I distanced myself from most of my family. I didn’t announce I was pregnant with my daughter until I was 31 weeks, because I was so afraid (she was born at 35 weeks). After my loss and the trauma that came with it, which stripped me of so much joy while I was pregnant with my daughter, I knew I finally deserved some peace. I deserved the normal pregnancy most women get, and unknowingly take for granted.
It’s hard to understand the pain expecting mothers are going through if you don’t have to go through what we are. Like me, so many mothers are battling complications and were already terrified as it is, without a virus to threaten them even more. There are first time moms, who will lose the much coveted and cherished experience of a first pregnancy. So many moms have gone through infertility and will now lose the experience they dreamed of for so long. I’m with the mamas, like me, who have lost a baby already, and just wanted their rainbow after the storm.
Our pregnancies cannot be rescheduled to a later date when this nightmare is over. Being pregnant during COVID-19 means telemedicine, solo appointments, and uncertainty and fear over how our pregnancies, labor, and postpartum will be handled by a healthcare system rocked by the pandemic.
It means isolation from our family and friends during such a pivotal and ever-changing period in our lives when we need them the most. Expecting a baby now is the absence of joyous memories of celebration we’ll never get to have. It’s a struggle of wanting to be happy, but also being horribly aware of the chaos the world is grappling with. Pregnant women are fragile in so many ways, and we’re having to be stronger now than we should ever have to be. Understandably but sadly, we’re having to take the backseat, and simply hope this will get better.
I’m trying to make the best of it. A lot of us are, that goes without saying. I take my own DIY maternity photos. Many other mamas are having virtual or drive-by baby showers. I talk and sing to my baby girl on the way. I play ‘footsie’ with her too. I immerse myself in the things that bring me joy, because I don’t want her to feel an ounce of my worry or sorrow. Some days are better than others, and other days I find myself rattled and unable to shake the anger and hurt I feel towards having to face so many challenges while pregnant again.