“I ran across an old boyfriend’s picture today. Not just any ole boyfriend, but the one who broke my heart, the one who shattered it into a million pieces, the one I was certain was ‘the one.’
I prayed for him. I waited for him. I loved him.
I cried over him. I lost weight over him. I was desperate over him. I stayed in bed for a week solid over him, and then went out every night for a month solid over him. At the time, I would’ve given just about anything to have him in my life. I was so sure he was it. So. Stinking. Sure.
I’d been good. I’d watched all of my friends get married. I’d stood up there and been a bridesmaid for every single one of them. I held their dress while they peed. I caught the bouquet. I smiled, and I cheered, and I blew bubbles as they drove away. I waited patiently for my turn. I waited patiently for the right guy, and then after a year of doing everything right, the right guy didn’t even want me anymore. He didn’t think I was the right girl. He tossed me aside like I was nothing.
I kept running it over and over in my head, completely melted into my mess thinking, ‘God, why? I don’t deserve this.’
Timehop popped up on my feed today and reminded me of a business that I was frantically trying to make grow a year ago. After countless attempts at failed endeavors, I was pretty sure I’d finally found my calling.
I was having so much fun with it. I was successful. I was making money.
I worked my tail-end off. I went to conferences and retreats. I read books and I listened to podcasts and I did all the things good entrepreneurs are supposed to do.
I was good to my customers. I invested back into the business. I teamed up with other women and supported them. I donated money to worthy causes. And then I watched my business stall as other women’s business thrived. So, I worked harder. I worked smarter. I gave up time with my friends, time with my family, any and every bit of a social life.
And then one weekend, I sat in a meeting with other leaders in the industry and felt a tug on my heart that said, ‘You’re not supposed to be here anymore. Trust me. There’s something else.’ So, in complete confusion and utter collapse, I closed up shop, embarrassed and defeated, and hoped my heart wasn’t leading me astray.
I begrudgingly handed it back to God in a mixed state of hope and hardship thinking, ‘God, why? I don’t deserve this.’
Someone mentioned an old friend in passing conversation recently. I held back tears at the mere mention of her name. She was my person. She was my sister.
Gahhhh, I loved her. I would’ve done just about anything for her, but she went in a new direction, one that didn’t involve me. I can’t even explain how it broke my heart to watch her go, how it pained me to stand still as the distance grew between us.
I tried. I gave gifts. I wrote nice, little notes. I reached out. But, despite my best efforts, that was the end of our season. I still miss her deeply to this day.
I remember wondering if something was wrong with me, certain I wasn’t funny enough or good enough or pretty enough or rich enough to even spend time with. I was wrecked with loneliness thinking, ‘God, why? I don’t deserve this.’