A Review of Love and Respect: How the Book Gets Sex Horribly Wrong

Leaving out any legitimate reasons why a woman may want to say no actually fits with the “Love & Respect” approach, because if sex is only about his physical release, and not about them feeling intimate, then her feelings are completely irrelevant. So whether she is feeling pukey from pregnancy; grieving from a recent loss; pain from physical ailments (or sexual pain); or even just plain exhausted — none of that matters, because of his overarching need for respect, which he experiences as her giving him physical release. And because they’re needs, they supersede what she wants.

Indeed, Eggerichs frames sexual release as a desperate need that she will never understand. And if it’s a need like that, then she could not possibly have a good reason to say no. Eggerichs repeats this “need” sentiment several times in “Love & Respect”:

[H]e has a need you don’t have. (258)

He needs sex; she doesn’t. If that’s true, then it’s setting up the expectation that whenever they have sex, he will want to, but she won’t. She’s really doing it just for him. That’s explicitly what Eggerichs says, too:

She decided to minister to her husband sexually, not because she particularly wanted to, but because she wanted to do it as unto Jesus Christ. (250)

Women then grow up believing that the norm in marriage is having sex when you don’t want to. No wonder so many women struggle with the idea of consent! This mindset is the reason I had to write this post on how there can actually be rape in marriage.

Incidentally, if at least 1/4 of women are victims of sexual assault or abuse, and even more are victims of unwanted sexual attention, how do you think framing sex as something that she will never really want, but she must give to him anyway, makes her feel about marriage?

On this blog, I do indeed talk about how women should have sex more frequently. I do believe that sex should be a frequent and intrinsic part of marriage. But I do it in terms of “what can we do to help you boost your libido and reclaim the sex drive God gave you”, not in terms of “you’re obligated to have sex for your husband’s sake.” That difference matters. One [honors] women and how God made us; one erases us.

I try so hard on this blog to give both sides of the equation — how men need to woo their wives and make sex feel good, but how women need to be enthusiastic about sex, too.

I do believe that, in general, men make love to feel loved, whereas women need to feel loved in order to make love.

I do believe that the sexes in general terms approach sex differently, because this has been well-documented in scientific studies. I have been encouraging women for years to have more sex with their husbands — and here are just a few posts to show it!

This does not mean, however, that sex is only for the husband, or even primarily for the husband. The very fact that God created women with a clitoris means that in God’s eyes, women’s sexual pleasure matters!

We often criticize the world because our culture has made sex merely physical.

But when the church makes the same mistake — well, it doesn’t just break my heart. It makes me angry.

Angry for all the women who have been brought up never hearing that sex is for you, too.

Angry for all the men who have grown up hearing that lust is inevitable and that they can’t relate to women as full people, but will always see them as body parts.

Angry for all the couples who have been taught that sex is something husbands are entitled to from their wives, without ever hearing about how sex should take more than two minutes; how men should be responsible for a woman’s orgasm; that women’s sexual pleasure matters, too.

What do you think happens to a woman’s libido if all she hears is that men need physical release; if you don’t have sex, he’ll be tempted to watch porn or have an affair; and your way of respecting your husband is to say yes, no matter what you feel?

What do you think happens to men who are told that they have a need for physical release that their wives must provide, and that if they’re not given sex, it’s not men’s fault if they stray?

You end up with men who feel entitled to sex and women who feel used. 

Don’t you think we can do better than this?

I know I’ve been critiquing “Love & Respect”, but the truth is that this philosophy is pretty consistent with a lot of Christian marriage books, and even Christian marriage retreats (not the ones I speak at with FamilyLife Canada!). This is the message that I’ve seen, over and over again.

When it comes to Christian teaching about marriage, the woman’s perspective has been sorely lacking for far too long. 

I think the fact that so much Christian teaching about sex is so warped is directly related to the fact that there has been a lack of women’s voices.

It’s frustrating to me that men can write marriage books for couples, but women can only write marriage books for women. It’s frustrating that men can speak at marriage conferences, whereas women can only do so if they’re part of a couple. When it comes to marriage, you NEED the woman’s perspective.

So please, let’s give the full picture of sex as part of God’s design:

It’s the perfect picture of mutuality. It’s about a deep knowing of each other. It’s supposed to be pleasurable for both. It helps us understand real passion, by helping us become vulnerable and lose control. It gives us a window into passion with God. It helps us grow close and more affectionate. It’s designed as the height of human pleasure, for both of us. And in sex, we learn how to be giving, but also how to receive.

(Here’s a longer post on how to talk about sex in a healthy way to both genders).

Seriously, if we just talked about sex like that — I bet you would see far fewer husbands being selfish and far fewer wives with no libido! But when women grow up with the message that God built them with no inherent desire for sex, but a deep obligation to meet men’s sexual needs on men’s terms —

Well, is it any wonder so many Christian women don’t want sex?