Saving Yourself For Marriage, Even After You’re Married


A lot of people hear the saying “saving yourself for marriage” and immediately think of abstinence, but that’s not what I’m talking about today. In fact, I’m talking about having sex. Lots of sex. So be warned. If you don’t like to speak about apparently taboo subjects like sex then you’ll want to stop reading right now. If you’re uncomfortable discussing how to have a more enjoyable marital bedroom experience then shut this post down. But if you’d like to increase the happiness of your relationship and avoid common misconceptions about sex and marriage then please read on.

Today I want to encourage you to save yourself for marriage, but not just before you say “I do.” I’m talking about saving yourself for marriage even when you’re married. Especially when you’re married. Saving yourself for your marriage partner actually increases your sexual satisfaction in your relationship.

Are you faithful to your spouse?

Seems like a simple question, right?

Well, of course I am, Brie.

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But are you?

What about when your spouse isn’t in the mood? How do you satisfy your sexual urges? A large and shockingly common amount of people will do the easiest and most frequently practiced thing. They will self-satisfy. Here it is; I’m gonna say it. They masturbate.

But it’s better than cheating, right?

Well, have you ever considered that masturbation in your marriage, apart from your spouse, could be considered a form of cheating? Crazy sounding, I know, but consider your thought processes. What you feed your mind is what comes out. So you might want to ask yourself a few questions.

Do you think of your partner when you’re masturbating?

Most people who masturbate have to conjure up a mental picture that gets them in the mood. So is your mental picture of your spouse, or is it from some pornography you’ve seen? Maybe it’s even another person you know. You might be telling yourself it’s not cheating if it’s only in your mind, but I would like to tell you that if you think it then you might as well be doing it. In fact, statistics show that more people physically cheat who are addicted to porn.

Matthew 5:28 ESV: “But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

So first off your decision to masturbate, to not save your sexual urges for actual sex with your spouse, can be a form of unfaithfulness to them. That’s bad enough, but it can also hurt your partner emotionally. I speak from experience as a wife in my previous marriage. If your wife knows you masturbate she will wonder why you don’t just save yourself for her. Can’t you wait until she’s off work?! If you masturbate while watching porn your wife will wonder if you find the women on the screen more attractive. She will compare herself to those women, and she will feel like she is lacking in some way. It will hurt your relationship.

Many women I have met feel like masturbation and porn is just a “guy thing,” that it’s something all men do. I’ll tell you that it’s not. You are worth more. You deserve respect. You deserve a man who only has eyes for you. You deserve a husband who saves himself for marriage, who saves himself for intimacy with you.

Of course, this goes both ways. I speak from a woman’s perspective because I am a wife, but husbands deserve the same respect in marriage. They deserve a wife that can control herself and save herself for him. Both parties in the marriage deserve respect, to feel desired, and to know they are needed. If your partner can satisfy themselves without you that doesn’t make you feel very needed.

Another common train of thought is that if your partner is masturbating it will give you a break when you’re not in the mood. I can’t really follow this one because I’m always in the mood. Lol. But I get it. I’m a middle-aged woman of three small children who works full-time. I get tired. I get headaches. Sometimes the thought of the energy to be expended that sex involves is kinda daunting. Reading a book seems an easier way to relax before bed. Just being honest. But I also love my spouse. I love to please him, and he, in turn, loves to please me. So even if I’m not 100% feeling up to the challenge, I’ll go for it. Afterwards, I’m always glad I did! TMI, I know, but you can’t say I didn’t warn you. Sex isn’t everything in marriage, but it’s a big part. In my opinion part of my job as a wife is to share that physical intimacy with my spouse. We’ve gotten so good at sharing that part of our relationship that we both jump at the chance. I wonder, though, if we’d be so eager if we were masturbating in the in-between times?!

There, I said it. That’s another thing to consider about self-gratification in a sexual sense. You are filling physical desires on your own. So when the time comes that it’s “convenient,” that the kids are asleep, you’re well rested, not bloated, and don’t have to get up early, you probably won’t even want it. You will have already filled the well elsewhere. No deposit necessary. Sorry, bad pun.

I’m just saying that perhaps you should consider how not saving yourself for your marriage bed may actually be hurting your marriage. Your partner could feel less desirable, you could feel less in the mood, and depending on how you’re going about it you could even consider it infidelity. Here’s the way I look at it. My husband deserves every part of me. I don’t want to give my sexual fulfillment to myself or pornography. That’s his job. His pleasure is to give me pleasure, and vice versa. And that kind of selfless, sexual relationship is a big part of making a happy, healthy marriage.

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Brie Gowen
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Brie Gowen is a 30-something (sliding ever closer to 40-something) wife and mother. When she’s not loving on her hubby, chasing after the toddler or playing princess with her four-year-old, she enjoys cooking, reading and writing down her thoughts to share with others. Brie is also a huge lover of Jesus. She finds immense joy in the peace a relationship with her Savior provides, and she might just tell you about it sometime. She’d love for you to check out her blog at