“As I stood over her and spent those last few minutes with her, blood was cascading down my legs and onto the floor. I didn't care - my womb was crying. Everything about me was crying. Watching them wheel her away broke me. My life ended then and there."
“I hadn't seen him in nearly 13 years, he was 4 years old then, but everything seemed to fit… I slowly walked over to him, and his family. I slowly approached him, and when he looked at me... I shattered the ice."
While I don’t believe everything happens for a reason, I do believe that God can take everything in life that’s been thrown at him, redeem it, and use it for the glory of his name.
How could I possibly reconcile these losses? They were unspeakable. Preventable. Unexpected. And in the face of such catastrophes, my natural question was “Why?” Why did this happen? If God was in control, why did he allow it? Why didn’t he stop it? That question haunted me for years.
A good friend said to me, “But just think, God is using you for His glory." In that moment, I simply shook my head and agreed but what I felt welling up inside me was something much different. Using me? Quite frankly, I thought, I don’t want to be used. Not if it means this. Quite frankly, He can use someone else because this—THIS is not working for me.
Jesus whispers to our doubt and struggle, “I won’t rescue you because this kind of struggle leads to deep roots, community with others, and legacy of overcoming…”
"He listens when I cry in the shower while I tell Him I don’t understand tragedy, cancer, and divorce. I don’t know why things have to feel so random and cruel. I hate death. It is a breaking of love. I don’t want my family taken from me. It isn’t the “circle of life.” It sucks and I hate it. It feels terrible. But He knows cruel. He knows tragedy. He hears me and intercedes for me."
