What’s Really Left in Marriage After the “Newness” Wears Off

When the newness wears off in a relationship, here’s what that looks like.

I sat on the couch in utter bliss as I scarfed down tacos, my absolute favorite food. They had just enough cayenne pepper to give them a kick, but not so much that my face melted off. They were just right, and after a long day at work, it was the perfect comfort food for me. When I walked in the door from work less than half an hour before, the enticing aroma had carried me to the sofa in anticipation, and I kissed the cook in appreciation. As I started on the second taco I smiled happily, and that was when I noticed my husband hadn’t yet fixed a plate of the food he had made. Where was he, anyway?

Around the corner, he suddenly appeared, and in his hands he held my prized, fuzzy blanket. I wasn’t just what you would call cold-natured. I was probably more aptly described as arctic-natured, and after years together my husband knew this fact well. He understood that if we went to the movies I would need to wear long pants and bring a coat. He had accepted the fact that the thermostat couldn’t sit below 73 even in August, and he anticipated the likelihood that I would want something to cover my legs while I sat on the couch. So before I had even thought of grabbing one myself, he had brought me my thickest cover.

He knew me.

That’s the thought that entered my mind at that moment, and I beamed on the inside and out before exclaiming, “thank you, dear!”

I knew of a lot of marriages that had ended in a large part because one or both partners are longing for that newness. They desired intrigue and the excitement they had experienced before when a romance first began. After all, there’s something wonderful about first dates, initial kisses, eager touches, and the anticipation of unknown emotions. There are so many people who will trade the “boring” regularity and routine of a long-term relationship because they miss the newness of a budding romance. Boy, are they missing out!

He knows me.

For me, there’s something wonderful about knowing what my spouse will say before he even opens his mouth. I love the fact that he understands what will hurt my feelings before it even does. So he doesn’t do those things! I adore that he knows I’ll be cold, that he knows my favorite dinner, and that he knows how an unexpected and loving text message can immediately brighten my day.

I get wanting the tingles, but the fact is you can still have butterflies even after 20 years. You can. My spouse still turns me on, yet we’re familiar enough that he also knows what turns me off. There’s something sexy about being comfortable together. I can come as I am, be honest about who I am, and not worry he won’t love me anymore if he finds out. He knows my secrets, yet we still have new things to talk about each and every day. There’s no drama, and he knows me well enough to know I hate that sort of thing. We don’t play games, unless you’re talking about the flirty kind that keeps a monogamous relationship alive.