Why I Had ‘The Talk’ With My 9-Year-Old

I don’t know if I was quite ready for “The talk” with my 9-year-old, but then this happened…

McKenna: “What’s a condom?”

Me:

FIX IT, JESUS.

Send your angels to minister to my heart and wrap your tunic-clad arms around my shredded doctrine of motherhood.

Because it happened. The question above led to IT…

THE TALK

And it was terrible.

Yes, I’m talking about THAT ONE.

The big S-E-X discussion all of us get weirded out about having with our kids someday. Well, “someday” came  … last Monday, actually.

And – again – it was TERRIBLE.

I think I have a hangover from the blow to my head and heart still. If you need me, I’ll be over in the corner medicating myself with whatever yummy snacks I can find…

Okay, fine … so it wasn’t terrible. It was actually really good.

At least I can say it was as good as  THE TALK  can be with a NINE-year-old. Bless it.

But it was terrible because it represents a new stage, a new understanding, and a new perspective on the way the world works … for both of us. 

The problem is my biggest girl isn’t yet … well, big.

She’s only [9] years old and still a baby, a child, not yet able to drive, solve a quadric equation, or even rationalize why I answer NO to her demands for a Fin Fun Mermaid tail all the time.

I knew THE TALK was coming, but I was hoping for at least a few more years before forced into it.

I wasn’t ready, but alas… my timeline wasn’t the timeline for us. (Cue mournful tears.)

If you’re wondering how it got brought up — just know I’ll be cussing YouTube and their dang algorithms until my kids are grown with their own children falling down the YouTube vortex of doom.

To keep details minimal, McKenna jumped on YouTube to watch behind-the-scene[s] filming clips of her favorite movie, Disney’s Zombies. Eventually, she landed on this YouTube video and watched the first portion. I shut her iPad shenanigans down with a quick “TURN OFF YOUTUBE NOW” after she asked what a condom was.

The video is a “text story” of a conversation between the two main characters of the movie Zombies discussing how the teenage girl ended up pregnant. Condoms, sex and FREAKING OUT all included in the story.

I debated answering her condom question or not. I debated pushing it off until she officially hit puberty or turned [35]. I debated purchasing an educational book and shoving it in front of her.

I even debated pretending I — all of a sudden — went deaf and mute, unable to communicate ever again.