It was less common than it used to be in the 1990s for a single adult woman to be shunned when she became pregnant out of wedlock, but that’s what happened to Lisa Newtop. Even though she was 30 years old with a long-term boyfriend, many of her friends pulled away. The reason? Lisa has Down Syndrome, the most common chromosomal disorder. Her friends’ parents were afraid she’d be a bad influence.
It used to be common for people with Down Syndrome to be forcibly sterilized. Thankfully that is no longer the case, but it’s still rare for them to start their own families. However, Lisa had a pillar of unwavering support to help her bring her son into the world: her own mom, Patti.
Patti told TODAY that she was herself relatively newly married when Lisa’s bombshell news took her by surprise. She and her new husband Norm had plans to travel and see the world. Then she got a voicemail message from her daughter.
“I was checking my messages at work, and there was this message from Lisa saying, ‘Hi, mom. I just wanted to call to let you know that you’re going to be the grandmother,’” Patti said.
In shock, she listened to the message three times, then called Lisa’s social worker for confirmation. The grandmother-to-be was totally bowled over. She was even afraid her husband Norm would leave her if she committed to helping Lisa raise the baby.
“This was way more than he had bargained for,” she said. But Norm was ready to stand by his woman, her daughter, and their unborn grandchild. “He looked at me and he said, ‘No matter what you decide to do, I’m going to be there for you,’” Patti recalled.
The loss of support from Lisa’s community of friends with Down Syndrome was painful. “They were afraid that Lisa would influence their daughters. And that was very lonely for her,” says Patti. She and Norm jumped into action to provide added support for Lisa, including hiring a doula to teach her about pregnancy and childbirth.
On February 10, 1996, Lisa and her boyfriend Tim joyously welcomed a baby boy, Nic, who also has Down Syndrome. Lisa took to motherhood naturally in many respects, Patti says, but she had a hard time when Nic would cry. “She assumed he was in pain, and she felt responsible,” Patti says. “She couldn’t grasp that babies just cry, often for no reason at all.”
Sadly, Nic’s father Tim passed away from a heart condition related to Down Syndrome when Nic was just five. Patti and Norm drew in even closer to be Lisa and Nic’s support. He grew up with Patti and Norm, and even called Norm “Dad.” Lisa lived in an apartment nearby and helped raise her son along side her parents.
“I’m lucky because I have two moms,” Nic, now 27, says.
Unfortunately, Nic lost a second father when Norm passed away from cancer in 2021. But he, Patti, and Lisa continue living a loving and full life together. Lisa is beyond proud of her son and tells everyone she meets about him. Nic recently graduated from the Wayfinders program at California State University, Fresno in 2020. This two-year, non-degree program teaches young adults with disabilities how to live on their own. Nic says he hopes to, like his mother before him, get his own place and live independently very soon.
Just like any mom, Lisa is having a little trouble letting go of her “little boy,” Patti says.
“Lisa has trouble letting him make his own decisions. She wants to assist him and he doesn’t need any assistance,” Patti told TODAY. “She treats him younger than he is.”
Patti and Nic are now supporting Lisa and each other through a new challenge: at age 57, Lisa has been recently diagnosed with dementia. The National Down Syndrome Society says that Alzheimer’s disease effects about 30% of people with Down Syndrome in their 50s.
At age 75 herself, Patti is currently searching for a plan of care for Nic and Lisa for when she herself passes away. It’s a problem without a clear answer.
“That is the billion dollar question for any person who has a disabled offspring, and I’m not satisfied with my answer at this moment,” Patti says. “I am still exploring and trying to create and discover the right situation.”
Despite their challenges and uncertain future, Patti is proud and blessed by the unique family she’s a part of. And it certainly seems that she blesses Nic and Lisa as well. They are a wonderful example of how life with disability in it can be awfully full and beautiful.
