Feeling shame, my immediate knee-jerk reaction was that I had to hide this from my friends and most importantly, my family. Reaching out to a friend, I shared my secret. The only discussed choice/decision at that time was abortion. It went against EVERYTHING I believed.
I could never imagine having an abortion, until an unexpected pregnancy happened…to me.
I contacted an abortion clinic in KS to see what the next steps were. I was told to get a sonogram to see exactly how far along I was and that this would determine next steps, but something was tugging at my heart. In the very depths of my soul and heart, I knew I couldn’t go through with this decision, but I had to explore my options.
I went to a health clinic to get a sonogram and confirmed that I was four months along. I left with the sound of her heartbeat in my ears and heart and knew once I walked out the door, abortion was NOT the best decision.
But what was?
On to the next decision…marriage.
By this time my friend was deeply concerned for me and had called my mom to let her know I was pregnant. She knew my stance against abortion and was truly scared for me that I may make the wrong decision. Finally, after carrying this “burden, shame and uncertainty” around, I was able to open up.
Discussing my options with my mom (abortion was not mentioned as I had totally written that off), I told her I needed to get married because that would certainly solve everything! My daughter’s father was not someone whom I wanted to marry or unfortunately, even loved. Briefly discussing this option, my mom brought up adoption.
I remember my reaction was anger.
How dare someone think that I could just give my baby away. Forming a bond for nine months, sacrificing my body and emotions, for what? To leave empty handed from the hospital? I hated the mention of adoption. It went against all motherly instincts.
The reason I didn’t like the word adoption…I had never heard it before.
I didn’t truly understand what it meant or what it looked like. All I could remember were the horror stories of adoptive babies being returned because the adoptive family didn’t bond with the baby. It was a few days later that out of nowhere I came to peace with the word adoption, with the idea of adoption (even though I didn’t understand anything about it).
It was at that life-changing moment that I realized, it’s not about me.
It wasn’t about how I felt about this decision, or what was best for me, but what was best for my daughter. It suddenly became fully about my daughter. This was surely God’s grace and love to give me the peace to pursue a decision that I knew nothing about, that would change my life but would give life to my daughter. Adoption it is.
Not knowing and seeing that God was already at work and had plans in place, my adoptive daughter’s family was already praying for us and God was knitting a new family together. This is a true testament to Jeremiah 1:5.
I began calling adoption clinics and was put in contact with a Christian adoption agency.
I first met with them to discuss what I was looking for in a family for my daughter. I had choices. I got to make decisions. I met with the counselor and on my second visit and was able to view profiles of potential families who were waiting to be matched with a birthmother.
I was handed five profiles. No pictures, just words.
Words that carried weight, words that shined light on who they were, words of power, words of encouragement. A letter to whomever chose them, to not worry, to keep strong, words that expressed thankfulness for choosing life, for making a sacrifice.
Out of the five profiles, my heart connected with a specific couple and I knew they were the family for my daughter. I remember thinking how bizarre it was that just reading words, simple black words, led me to my daughter’s new family. Just to be sure I didn’t miss another family that could also be a match, I reviewed 10 more.
But my heart was set on this family. A family I had never seen pictures of or met. I knew their favorite colors, cookies, activities, movies… I knew how or if they even wanted to share with my daughter, her adoption story. How they wanted to raise her. What their values were. Whether or not they wanted to adopt again.
