Most parents teach their kids NOT to tattle. I mean, let’s face it, there is nothing that pushes you to your breaking point faster than a tiny human relentlessly tugging at your shirt and repetitively whining, “Mommy, Jimmy hit me!”
I get goosebumps just thinking about it.
But for Jessica and Jeremy Martin-Weber, the sexual assault of two of their children directly changed the way they parent when it comes to tattling.
Beyond Moi
The “Beyond Moi” bloggers write in a series of Facebook posts about how tattling was both directly involved and directly enabled the sexual assault of their children.
Prior to learning about the sexual assault of their children, Jessica and Jeremy had a fairly strict “no tattling policy” with their six children. Like most parents and teachers, they found tattling to be annoying and unnecessary.
“The kids would start telling us something and we’d ask them if they were tattling and essentially shut it down.”
But those tactics changed 12 years ago when the teenage son of Jessica and Jeremy’s then-best-friends, took advantage of their 3- and 5-year-old daughters.
Beyond Moi
The couple learned that their “no tattling policy” had actually aided the teen in his methods, rather than stopping him.
“Our children shared that they didn’t tell us what was happening to them because they didn’t want to tattle. Their abuser even warned them not to tattle (he threatened them extensively as well) or they would be ‘bad.’ They knew tattling was wrong but at 3 and 5 they didn’t understand the difference between tattling and telling us something we needed to know.”
The family’s approach to tattling has been radically different ever since. They’ve educated themselves on normal childhood development, and identified their role with tattling to simply be there to help their children in learning discernment of whether or not they need adult intervention in a situation.
They no longer use the word “tattling” in their house, but instead seek ways to fully listen, ask appropriate questions and respond in a productive manner.
“Often what fuels tattling is a sense of justice or a desire to control someone. Helping them learn how to recognize when it is something that indeed needs adult caregivers’ attention and when it doesn’t includes helping them identify their own motives in coming to us.”
Rather than seeing tattling as an inconvenience—like most of us have up until reading this—the Martin-Webers have shifted their perspective, and now see it as an active way to guide their children in the right direction.
Beyond Moi
They want their kids to be able to come to them about the “little” things so they might also do the same with the “big” things—especially because as children, they can’t particularly tell the difference between the two.
“Ultimately tattling is our children seeking our guidance and input when they feel scared, angry, frustrated, hurt and out of control. Expecting them to act like adults as children isn’t fair, we have the skills they need to learn and it is our responsibility to teach them.”
It’s unfortunate that Jessica and Jeremy had to learn this lesson because of the sexual assault of their daughters. But their story, and the way their parenting has changed because of it, could save another child from enduring the same abuse.
