It was supposed to be a fun survey. You ask your child ten questions about yourself and record his or her responses. All my friends were posting their adorable results online:
“What does Mommy always say?” “I love you!”
“What does Mommy like to do?” “Make pancakes!”
“What is Mommy good at?” “Making pancakes!”
You get the idea. So I sat my three-year-old daughter on my lap, with pen and paper poised to record the cuteness:
“Heidi, what does Mommy always say?” “Obey,” she answered solemnly.
I called to her older sister in the kitchen, “Hey Aubrey! What’s one thing Mommy always says?” “Because I said so!” she hollered back.
(Hmmm . . . off to a rocky start.)
I cleared my throat, “Heidi, what does Mommy like to do?” “Sleep!” she chirped.
“What makes Mommy sad?” “Playing with me.”
(I’m just going to assume she misunderstood the question.)
“What is Mommy good at?” “Her computer.”
(Fair enough.)
At that moment Aubrey came sauntering in from the kitchen. “Oh, I know!” she said brightly. “Yesterday, you were very good at fighting with Daddy.”
The Painful Truth
I actually cried over that survey. Clint found me curled up in the playroom sobbing over my failures as a mother. Isn’t it ironic that the most brutally honest people on the face of the planet are typically less than three feet tall? They’ll tell you when you stink, what your food really tastes like, and who the weirdest person in the grocery store is. It’s quite terrifying actually.
And that’s not even the scariest part. Every now and then, in between their frank commentaries on your hairy arms or oddly-shaped moles, they’ll reveal some staggering truth about the way they perceive you as a human being. Sometimes it’s positive, and it feels like sunshine. It makes you stop in your tracks, squeeze them in your arms, and spin around the kitchen. But sometimes it’s painfully negative, and it feels like an arrow aimed at your deepest insecurities.
Please! I want to whisper. Please don’t view me that way.
But the reality is they are the patrons with a front-row ticket to our lives. They’re so close to the action they get to see things everyone else misses. They don’t just see us when we’re energized and refreshed and ready to face the world. They see us when we’re exhausted and depleted and trying very hard not to say bad words. They see the real us. The weak, sinful, broken us. Worse yet, they imitate us. Every parent knows nothing is more agonizing than watching your weaknesses spring to life in the children you love so much.
Please! My heart whispers. Please don’t be like me.
That sentiment alone makes me want to curl up in the playroom for another long cry! It’s the opposite of all I’ve ever hoped to be as a mother. I want to be like Paul who once said, “Be imitators of me, as I am of Christ” (1 Cor. 11:1, emphasis added). I want to be a worthy role model for my daughters, the kind of woman they can pattern their lives after.
The truth is I’m not.
And I am.