Fighting is inevitable.
It is just going to happen. People fight. Neighbors fight. Nations fight.
But fighting in marriage can be miserable. It causes hurt, and instills fear. Fear that things are going to fall apart. Fear of loss. Marriages are failing left and right, but I don’t think fighting is the only reason why. I think people feel like such failures for fighting, they just throw in the towel. Most of the time, too early.
I like to remind myself that if we are fighting, we are at least still caring about the marriage. It’s when you give up and don’t try to fix things that things can spiral downward quickly. But there are ways to fight without doing lasting damage to each other. There are ground rules that can help keep your hearts from getting hurt in the middle of an argument.
My husband and I were recently at The Story of Marriage conference in Hawaii. We were there because my husband, Scott, was working, but I made sure to keep one ear open the whole time. One thing I appreciated was that John and Lisa Bevere were very honest and real with people. For instance, they told people that they fought. Like really fought. You could see the crowd sigh with relief when they heard this.
So how do we communicate kinder, even when we feel upset?
The first two ways were discussed at the marriage conference, and the last way is something I have learned along the way.
1. Don’t attack character
You can be angry at something your spouse has done, but don’t label them for it. If they lied to you, tell them they hurt you because they weren’t truthful, but don’t say, “you’re a liar.” If they were mean to you and harsh with words, ask them to speak kinder to you but don’t say, “You are a worthless jerk.”