Most of us have been told that great sex in marriage is possible. But why does it matter? For many of us, sex may just be “meh” or tend to cause more division in our relationships than unity.
The reality is that sexual issues are always among the top reasons for marital conflict and even divorce. Many couples fight about sex, and they don’t know where to go for answers. In addition to the marriages that dissolve because of sexual infidelity, many more couples endure decades of sexual disappointment. Often, even when sex is a regular part of a marriage, one spouse can feel like it’s more of an obligation owed to the other.
One of the most profound truths I’ve learned about marriage is that a “so-so” sex life is not God’s plan for any marriage. God cares about your sexual relationship. He wants you to have great sex.
I Corinthians 7:3-5 is often used to justify the importance of sex in a Christian marriage. Paul writes:
The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs. The wife gives authority over her own body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife. Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
At first glance, this passage seems to simply say, “You owe each other regular sex because you will be tempted to stray if you neglect your sex life.” But what Paul is actually saying, in context with other passages on marriage, is far more profound. Sexual intimacy between a Christian husband and wife is to be viewed as a mutual gift exchange. It is a profound way that a man and a woman say with their bodies, “I give myself completely to you.” In sexual intimacy, husband and wife engage in a physical celebration with their bodies, marking the covenant they have made to one another. Some theologians like Timothy Keller describe sexual intimacy as a sacrament: a physical way that we remember a spiritual truth. This is why God created great sex: to be holy, vulnerable, pleasurable, and frequent within marriage.
Unfortunately, that is not the experience for many married couples. Instead, sex often represents feelings of resentment and fear.