By Rhonda Stalb
Have you ever had trouble achieving sexual intimacy with your spouse? I’ve been carrying around a secret struggle for a while. It’s been happening in my marriage more than I care to admit. This hurts because there are times when our body parts don’t respond to stimulation.
And with that, comes rejection and shame. Then we argue because rejection and shame are two major triggers for me, and my husband is extremely frustrated with the whole mess. Which causes us to want to throw up our hands and give up on sex, but we can’t do that!
Plus, the issue drives us both mad because…here we are…a married couple working hard together to do the right things to honor God and each other, and the sex thing is just not working for us.
We’ve tried everything from supplements to medications to help this situation improve and so far it has been trial and error. Truthfully, we’ve had full intercourse only a handful of times in five years.
How come others, who choose to have sex outside the boundaries of marriage, can successfully have sex and we can’t?! It just doesn’t make any sense and it’s completely unfair!
Also, it’s painful and embarrassing to feel unwanted, even if your spouse is not really rejecting you sexually. Physical responses may not be successful, but there is no malice or real rejection if you really love each other.
But I can understand how it can be perceived that way because when intimacy is absent, we are shoved violently into a pit of loneliness and despair.
It is beyond frustrating because we love each other like crazy. All we want to do is express our love to one another. Is that too much to ask?
The outward demonstration to create the unity and oneness of biblical marriage is sexual intercourse (Genesis 2:24-25), and when there is a lack of it, an emptiness and longing can occur.
This is a scary place to be! When sexual needs in the marriage relationship are not met, temptations to get those needs met outside the marriage become evident quickly.
When temptations enter your mind, confess them to God and your spouse, then drop to your knees to pray immediately! I speak from experience.
It is absolutely imperative for a husband and wife to nurture sexual intimacy in their marriage. This relationship is meant to last forever. And you don’t want a wedge to drive you apart. This is certainly the case for my husband and me.
Here are 7 fabulously sexy ways to nurture sexual intimacy with your spouse:
1.) Pray together and read your Bible every day—When you bring your concerns and seek God first in everything, He will fill the empty places in your heart and life. God heals every hurt. He provides a way to achieve the intimacy you want when you feed your intimacy with Him first. And when you hold your thoughts and feelings up to the light of God’s truth, the lies of rejection, shame and temptation will not hold you in chains anymore, and then you are free to foster intimacy in your marriage.
2.) Communicate with your spouse on a deep level—Share your heart, talk about your dreams and confess your struggles to one another because this increases your emotional, mental and spiritual connection. This also eliminates keeping secrets from each other.
3.) Date each other like you did in the beginning of your relationship—This helps you remember why you fell in love in the first place.
4.) Leave sexy love notes in your spouse’s laptop case, purse, wallet, lunch box or on the bathroom mirror—This loving act will help your spouse feel wanted, loved and cherished, and he or she will remember their attraction to you.
5.) Snuggle, kiss, hold hands and hug each other daily—Showing affection to each other reminds you of your love and attraction for one another and it builds healthy anticipation for sexual intercourse.
6.) Jump in the shower or take a bubble bath together—Washing and massaging each other gently increases closeness between husband and wife.
7.) Experiment with different positions, safe and gentle sex toys, and lubricants to bring pleasure to each other within the bonds of marriage. Read the book Intended for Pleasure by Ed and Gaye Wheat. It will shed light on what is right for you as a couple.
{A note of warning: Pornography is not a healthy or appropriate way to strengthen the sexual intimacy in your marriage. It will only create more problems in your relationship and it often leads to adultery in most cases. In fact, it is a form of adultery. In addition, using pornography will lead to addiction which is a parasite, and it will kill your marriage if is not addressed with treatment, prayer and divine intervention.}
This is not a complete list of ways to cultivate sexual intimacy in your marriage. It is a list of things that helped my husband and me to work on overcoming our problem with sexual intimacy. We are still a work in progress. And honestly, it hurts us more to carry this burden alone, so I share our story to say that we are not the only couple who suffers from this issue. It is better not to isolate ourselves with the prideful attitude of having it all together. We can only get better if we get real.
What steps have you taken to encourage and foster sexual intimacy in your marriage? I am with you, friend. You are not alone! I am praying with you and for you. Feel free to share your struggle and story in the comments below.
About the Author: Rhonda Marie Stalb is an author, counselor and writer. She’s passionate about helping others through obstacles, trauma, grief, depression, anxiety, stress and relational problems. Her desire is to write posts that compel you to take action in your life and posts that ignite passion and the determination to upset the status quo.
