Editor’s Note: Elder care is a growing concern for many of us: how do return the love and support our parents have given us? There are so many concerns: health, finances, and legal preparations to name a few. In Wendy Williams Whiteman’s book, Creative Caregiving and Beyond we meet a modern family facing these issues, and we learn from their experiences. In this excerpt, come take a look:
George and Janice decide it’s time to involve the other siblings in their growing concerns about their aging parents. George sends an email out to everyone about three weeks before Thanksgiving because all the siblings will be together at Walter and Mildred’s home on Thanksgiving Day:
Email from George to Elizabeth, Susie, and Trevor
Hello, Everyone,
I trust this email finds everyone in good spirits. I’ll get right to the point. Janice and I have been spending a little more time with Mom and Dad lately, and we are concerned about them trying to manage that big house by themselves. We’ve noticed Dad being forgetful about things, and that is out of character for him. Mom said that once while she was taking a nap, he drove the car to the grocery store to pick up a few things and couldn’t remember how to get home. She thought it was funny, but I’m not sure she realizes that may indicate a problem. Daniel and Greg went over to visit them last week, and Daniel said Mom kept getting their names mixed up.
So we feel like we should talk to them over the holidays and let them know that we are concerned. There are some posh facilities they could go to where they would be comfortable, or there are home health- care options. My other concern is how these memory lapses may be affecting their finances and other decisions.
Please email me back or call me in the evening with your thoughts.
Regards,
George
Response to All from Elizabeth
“Thanks, George. Why don’t you handle this? You are close to them, and I just don’t have a lot of time to devote to any of it, especially with my travel schedule.”
Response to All from Susie
“George, I think you are overreacting. Old people forget stuff. I think they are fine where they are.”
Response to All from Trevor
“I see what you are saying, George. Why don’t we speak to them after dinner on Thanksgiving, when we are all around and relaxed?”
Thanksgiving Day
After Thanksgiving dinner, in the early afternoon, George calls his siblings, Elizabeth, Susie, and Trevor into the living room with their mom and dad. The spouses, kids, and grandkids go to the movies to give them some privacy for the conversation.
George says, “Mom, Dad, we really appreciate all you have done for us through the years. You’ve worked hard all your life, and we’re concerned that maybe this house is too big for you guys.”
Walter stands up, obviously annoyed and says, “I don’t need to hear this! I am just fine. George, I can’t believe you are trying to shove me out of my own house!”
Mildred says, “Well, speak for yourself, Walter, I think George is just trying to help.”
“Well, he isn’t!” says Walter as he storms out of the room. Mildred dutifully follows her husband out of the room.
Susie says sarcastically, “Great job, George. I knew this would happen.”
George looks down his nose at Susie and says, “Well, maybe you are afraid of losing the gravy train.”
Elizabeth and Trevor look at each other as if to ask, “What is George talking about?”
Susie starts to cry and yells, “You just don’t understand!” and leaves the room.
George apologizes to Elizabeth and Trevor for mishandling the conversation with their parents and suggests that they spend a little time figuring out their next strategy. George dismisses their questions about Susie’s reaction.
