What is it like watching the “de-conversion” stories of Christians who grow up in the faith but then abandon it because of the LGBT issue? In the book, you compare it to Esau selling his birthright for a pot of stew.
I see this happen all the time, especially kids who grew up in Christian families and went to Christian colleges. You can see it coming from a mile away. It’s so common, and the culture is so powerful. I’m always like, “Look, if you’re going to be on social media or Netflix for an hour, you need to read the Bible for an hour because you’ve just been lied to and now you need the truth.” So yeah, it’s very sad. Your life is a vapor. You’re here for two seconds. What do you want your life to be at the end, when you’re on your deathbed? Do you want it to be, “Oh, I got to satisfy all those urges and got the things I wanted”? Or do you want to be told, “Well done, good and faithful servant. You spent your life on mission for the kingdom of God”? I often think about Paul, who was single and didn’t whine about it. He cared about planting churches and getting the gospel out. He was shipwrecked, beaten, jailed, but he didn’t care—he just wanted the gospel out.
To the people who give up, I first and foremost pray, particularly for those I know. It’s so sad to me because you’re literally giving up your birthright for a single meal. Do you understand what you are doing?
It seems for many Christians who move from holding traditional biblical views on sexuality to being LBGT-“affirming,” the thing that moves them over the edge is having someone close to them—a parent, a sibling, a close friend—come out. How should a Christian respond when people close to them come out?
I’ve seen this happen to several of my friends, and I understand the motivation behind the phenomenon. But the Word of God doesn’t change based on our feelings. In terms of responding to those close to us who come out as gay or lesbian, it’s important to love them unconditionally without compromising your convictions. As Christians, we are in exile. And just as Shadrach and friends refused to bow down to the golden statue in Babylon (Daniel 3), even though the consequences were potentially dire, we have to resist the temptation to bow down to the culture we are in—no matter the cost. I’m not saying this is easy. Some who come out will be super offended when you hold to your traditional biblical views. The issue is now so deeply tied to identity that it can feel like you are rejecting them. I certainly felt that way whenever I remembered that my family, even though they loved me, believed homosexual behavior is a sin. Though it wasn’t their intent, I felt alienated by them. So I think the key is to love your friend unconditionally no matter what, and to pray for them. That’s what my sister-in-law did with me. She was an evangelical Christian and knew that I knew what her beliefs were on sexuality (she held the orthodox view). But I never felt an ounce of judgment from her over the years. She just loved me and prayed for me . . . for 20 long years. And it worked
A new California legislative resolution (ACR 99) is the latest progressive attempt in our state to enforce universal affirmation of LGBTQ sexuality and to condemn any suggestion that it’s something one should want to change about themselves. Books like yours may well be banned one day, since they say homosexuality is sinful and must be left behind in following Christ. Your book hints at the notion of change in its very title. What does change look like for the gay person who becomes a Christian?
When we are regenerated, our affections change. Not just in the area of sexuality, but in everything else: our attitude toward money, success, relationships. In terms of so-called conversion therapy, I don’t think it’s something we should force. I still struggle with same-sex attraction (even though it has greatly diminished and no longer dominates my thought life like it did before God saved me). But he can do anything. He created the universe, so he can reorient our attractions. Sometimes I pray that God would heal the sexual brokenness in me, especially given that I was molested when I was a child by a friend’s father (which I think had a larger effect on my sexual development than I used to admit). Who knows—God may change my desires one day. We’ll see. But for now, I’m happy to just be single and celibate for the rest of my life. I’m happy to deny myself and take up my cross and follow Jesus.
What have been the biggest costs to you in choosing to follow Jesus? What’s been the biggest gain?
God had a lot of grace on me the day he saved me. Giving up the gay life wasn’t that difficult; it was actually quite easy. I had just met Jesus and the relationship with him was so overwhelming and wonderful and all-consuming. Oddly enough, I was relieved I didn’t have to date anymore. When you’re in that life, you’re constantly pressured to date. My friends were always trying to set me up. If you’re not in a relationship, people think something’s wrong with you. So I was really relieved to not do that anymore. Like I say in the book, all my ex-boyfriends cheated on me, which is common; it’s like de rigueur for this world. But in my relationship with Christ I felt so safe. I didn’t have to perform. It was all quid pro quo with my ex-boyfriends. They were all artists. One was in a band that was super successful. One was a major writer in New York. It was always this thing where, if you’re not achieving enough or at this certain level, then you might be out. You also had to be in shape all the time! You couldn’t be out of shape for two seconds; otherwise you were kicked out of the club, or had to move to Palm Springs.
It was such a relief to be in this relationship with Christ. It didn’t feel costly, because I was so full of joy. But it did cost me some friends, some really deep, lifelong relationships. A lot of my friends were semi-supportive, but some of my closest friends were not. That was painful, but at the time I was so euphoric I didn’t care. Once the book came out, some of the friendships that were lingering and semi-alive vanished for good. I was cut off from several people, some of the closest friends of my life.
The gain is like Paul said: “I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord” (Phil. 3:8). Malcolm Muggeridge has that famous quote about how all the fame and money and success of the world is nothing, less than nothing, compared to knowing Christ. The gain is this relationship with God through Christ. Eternal life. It’s this impenetrable joy because of not only knowing Christ, but knowing the meaning of life—where I came from, what I’m doing, where I’m going. It gives me such peace.
**This article was originally published at The Gospel Coalition on August 23, 2019. It has been republished here with permission from TGC and the author.
