I used a very strong word yesterday when I was talking to my husband concerning how I felt about him. I think we try to water down our words sometimes, especially nowadays, because of concerns over not sparing feelings, but I have always tried to be honest with my spouse of nearly a decade. So I used strong words. I told my husband I hate him. And you know what? It didn’t even bother him one bit.
“I’m glad we’re in a place where we feel the same, understand things the same,” I told my husband, “where I can say that and it doesn’t offend you.”
I believe one of the main problems with marriage, or with any relationship for that matter, is the extravagant value we place on it. And not just the value, but the responsibility. I mean, in all reality it’s totally unfair to place such lofty expectations, such power on another human being. Love is the most wonderful thing in life, but in itself, it cannot save you. Love doesn’t change people. Not human love anyway.
When I told my husband I hate him, it sounded so loving.
My spouse and I had been driving down the road together when I told him that I not only hated him but also the children. Really, though, it didn’t come out as harsh as it sounds. In fact, it was in love that I spoke such a detachment.
I believe that all of mankind is built with a hole in their heart. Not the kind that requires surgical intervention, but the kind you cannot see. It’s the kind that can only be filled with love and acceptance. The kind that holds you dear no matter your faults or how difficult you may be to deal with.
It’s the kind of longing for love that hurts when a daddy leaves his daughter.
It’s the kind of need for love that makes a young woman seek her worth in the arms of a man.
She ruins relationships with her talons, digging deeper into the flesh of man.
Love me, hold me, make me feel worthwhile.
Don’t leave me.
Tell me that I am beautiful.
When I make mistakes, when I lie, when I drink too much, when I cry for no reason at all…
Love me anyway.
When I make stupid decisions, when I pull away from you, when I text you too much. When I don’t text at all…
Love me anyway.
When I cheat, when I want to cuddle too much, when I cry and beg you not to leave me.
Love me anyway.
In all my faults, with all my clinginess, with all my neediness, with all my unintentional meanness.
Love me anyway.
Don’t you dare die on me! Don’t get sick, or old. Why can’t what we have last forever?
Why does it all have to end? Why can’t your love sustain me, complete me, or take away my pain? I mean, your love is wonderful, it’s amazing, but late at night I still feel alone.
The hole is still there.
It’s the human condition.