It was my turn to protect John now. As we signed his DNR papers and spoke with the hospice coordinator, I reassured him this was not giving up. He told everyone he was going home to get stronger so he could get on another clinical trial and beat this, and I was his hype man; I put on my brave face and followed his lead. Though we both knew this was the end, neither of us wanted to admit it to each other; we had to protect each other’s hearts.
We got home from the hospital and set him up in his new hospital bed. Our once shared bed was as close as physically possible to his hospital bed so I could still hold his hand, rub his back, and be ready at a moment’s notice to get him anything he needed. We were surrounded by our beloved dogs, our families, and so much love. John was comfortable, he knew he was safe and loved. He was at peace.
[On] June 17, John drifted into a coma. I laid in his hospital bed all day; snuggled up as close to him as I could get. Smelling his hair, feeling his heart beat. Admiring his long eyelashes, his strong hands that could envelop mine. Our families drifted in and out of our room loving on John and telling him how much he impacted them.
Around 10:30 our families went to bed, and it was just John and I. I snuggled up to John and told him how much I loved him and how much I always would. I told him how much his family loved him; his brothers, his sisters, his parents. I thanked him for changing my life, for loving me and for saving me. As we laid quietly together in our dimly lit room, John took his final breaths and slipped quietly into eternity at 11:15 p.m.
John was an incredible human. At his standing room only memorial service, person after person came to the podium to share how John had changed their lives. How he never backed down from a challenge and was the first person to help out anyone who needed it. John inspired me to be a better human. To never quit; even in the face of adversity. He taught me how to LIVE. And most importantly, love with my whole heart.
It has been 10 months since I had to say goodbye to John. In that time, I have taken up trail running and started riding horses again. These two passions have helped me [to] survive. In July, I hope to make my first attempt at summiting Mt. Rainier. It’s something John and I always talked about doing, and I want to do it for him. I started the hashtag #johnwoulddoit in attempt to record all of the epic things myself, as well as John’s loved ones, are doing in his honor. Because, well, if you challenged John to do anything, he’d probably do it!
I don’t know what life has in store for me on this new journey. I’m not sure if I’ll be in love again, stay in our house, or even in the same state. I still live my life day to day; sometimes moment to moment, as that is all I can manage. One thing I know for sure is that I’ll carry John with me always. His spirit, his legacy, and his love will never die.
It is my duty to live in his honor.
**This story was written by Kelli Webber and originally appeared on Love What Matters. Follow her journey on Instagram.
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