The solution is simple, but not easy. You need to talk about sex sooner – in elementary school, in stages that they can understand. And the conversation should not end until your child walks down the aisle into the arms of their spouse. You are the safe place for your child’s sexuality. When you give up that place to anything else, you’re shortchanging your child.
It’s not too late to change. Stop outsourcing to the school and church and disciple your children. Teach them what biblical sexuality is. Show them their body has value. Don’t use rules and fear to accomplish this – look at how God disciples us! This is a continual conversation centered on grace, driven by love for Christ, motivated by the Holy Spirit – resulting in holiness.
Read More: Why We Need Sexual Discipleship
PREGNANCY IS NOT A PUNISHMENT
The comments on Maddi’s testimony were often characterized by a well-meaning phrase: “Why punish her further? Isn’t her pregnancy enough?” And here’s another dark side of the church’s approach to sexual sin: until it’s “proven” through something as obvious as pregnancy, no one says much. And once pregnancy occurs, that is the girl’s “punishment”. What?! Pro-life churches treat pregnancy as a punishment?
Pregnancy is the natural, intended outcome of sex. It is NOT a punishment, and talking about it as such enforces the idea that the only REAL problem with sexual sin is the possibility of getting pregnant – not the reality that it grieves God. This continues a fear-driven, underground approach to sexuality, where you’re free to “mess around” as long as the consequence isn’t visible.
When we’re discussing this issue, it usually dissolves into one of two complaints: The church’s constraining view of sexuality or Maddi’s rightful consequences for her sexual sin. And as people go to Facebook-war over these issues, they fail to ask themselves: Why did this happen in the first place?
Maddi made a choice that ended in pregnancy. She then made a choice to support her baby’s life.
There are many girls just like Maddi walking the halls of Christian schools, but they don’t have a baby bump to shame them. They’ll go to class. They’ll walk at graduation. And purity will be that paper they signed freshman year and a condom wrapper on her floor of her car. She’ll be the “good Christian girl” to everyone watching, while she’s dying inside at her own hypocrisy – never forced to face it like Maddi was, because a baby never appeared on the scene.
THIS is the real problem.
Am I saying that Maddi shouldn’t have had consequences for her sexual immorality? Absolutely not – if they were the same consequences any other student at that school would receive for sexual sin. Am I saying that students can blame their parents for their sexual decisions? Nope, not that either.
Girls and boys will still make choices. But we can DO something about the choices they make. What if young people were actively discipled in what holiness is – a heart change driven by the Spirit, not “good girl” actions?
What if they had the support of a school and church who partnered with parents in talking about God’s design for sex, not just His list of “don’ts”?
What if we cut it out with the purity pledges and looked into their eyes and asked them: “Are you struggling with porn?”
What if we – the Church – were the ones who removed the stigma of shame from sexuality?
What if WE were their safe place?
They won’t come on their own. They’re terrified. They’re ashamed. They think they’re the only ones struggling.
We have to go to them.
And for those ready to receive and repent, we offer them hope like Jesus did:
“Woman, where are they? Did no one condemn you?” She said, “No one, Lord.” And Jesus said, “I do not condemn you, either. Go. From now on sin no more.” (John 8:10-11)
