Relationships

To the Wife Who Feels Unseen & Unloved

When I was young, I used to think [to be] invisible would be a fabulous superpower. I have since changed my mind after being ignored too many times.

Deep down, people want to be seen, heard, and loved. Countless women go to bed each night wondering if they will ever feel noticed. If you feel alone and unappreciated, let me reassure that you are seen by your Creator, and He loves you more than anyone on this planet ever could. Have you felt far from cherished? Have you been cut down one too many times? Your pain is understandable, and it matters. But you don’t have to let it ruin you or define you.

Being overlooked by your spouse is especially painful. The man who stole your heart should make you feel loved and cherished, yet he will fail you many times over. He won’t always act like Prince Charming, because honestly, he’s neither of those two things. If you place your heart totally in his hands and draw your happiness from him alone, you hurt a lot.

Our culture demands more than we can give

It asks you to compete with standards that are far from biblical, and tempts you to chase after a sort of beauty that is just a facade. As a Christian, you know that true beauty is much more than outward appearance, but sadly it’s the main thing noticed and appreciated in this society. We are saturated with ads and websites that worship self. So you spin your wheels, and you try to be gorgeous and sexy and loving and giving because you feel pulled in all directions, and then you realize it’s not enough because you still feel inadequate. It seems impossible to break the cycle, so what are you supposed to do?

Look elsewhere for validation.

You have to constantly redirect your focus towards Jesus. That’s where you’ll find acceptance and relentless love. It sounds so simple, but we fight against that intense desire to be loved by those around us. It’s hard to stay satisfied in Him when we have this internal struggle, but it’s the only answer and He is there to help you. Nobody has the right to tell you that you need to be prettier, smarter, or more successful. Your husband doesn’t even get to hold that measuring stick. As much as your husband loves you, he doesn’t have the final say on your worth and beauty. So if you feel ugly or unwanted, ask God how He feels about you. It will brighten your mood instantly.

It hurts to have other versions of beauty placed above you

It’s devastating at times because in our heart of hearts, we all want to be someone’s one and only. But guess what? You are . . . God made you in His image, and you were beautiful right from the start. You belong, and are loved perfectly. It’s not that messy, strings-attached kind of love that we give each other. It’s true, and pure, and you can trust it fully.

To be loved based on our looks is a horrible amount of pressure, isn’t it? Why are we so smitten with ourselves?  Your bone structure and the way your skin happens to stretch across your body doesn’t determine who you are. Your appearance doesn’t make you better or worse than others. And you can make all of the changes under the sun, but if you aren’t finding your identity in Christ, you are always going to feel dissatisfied and fearful of losing admiration and attention.

Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. —Proverbs 31:30

Your hairstyle, your weight, your makeup brand, the car you drive, the brand of your clothing, or how closely you resemble the ridiculous magazine covers at the check out stands doesn’t make or break you. And if you have been wounded by unfair comparisons, try to cut that anchor loose. You are precious. You are worthwhile. You are unique. You are loved. You have to reach beyond what the world is offering you and hold onto truth. Discard the lies you’ve been spoon fed by the media and internet and stop hating yourself.

The good news is that you are not, in fact, invisible

God rejoices over you. He gives you good gifts. He rescued you and carries you each day. He is holding you fast, and you are His forever. He is the one who changes hearts. He redeems all things, he makes all things right.

It’s not an easy time for marriages, but God is faithful! He makes up for the weak places in our lives. He bridges the gaps when you feel emotionally abandoned and alone. He knows your hurts, and He cares. That sounds like the truest kind of love to me.

“The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.” —Zephaniah 3:17

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Michelle Lindsey
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Michelle Lindsey is a Jesus-loving wife of more than two decades and a homeschooling mom of four who blogs about what happens when romance meets reality (with her adult daughter!) at Nitty Gritty Love. You can find more Nitty Gritty Love on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest and Instagram.

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