Due to my memory loss, I’ve had to come to terms with the fact that I’m married to someone I don’t truly know. I went through a period of anger and depression; I felt like so much had been ripped away from me. I desperately hoped my memory would come back, that someday I would look at Brayden and remember everything. Unfortunately that has yet to happen.
In some ways, the worst part of the accident was forgetting Brayden. At the start, I had completely lost my memory of him. Every morning my brain would reset to thinking I was 17, still living in my parents’ home in Brussels. I would wake up screaming as I had no idea who was in my bed. Brayden would wrap me up in a hug to comfort me, which only made it worse. ‘Laura, it’s me!’ He would say over and over. ‘Who is ‘me?’’, I always wondered. I cried almost every day for 2 years wishing I could move back home with my parents, to the place and people I knew. ‘I want to wake up in a room I recognize, wear clothes I remember buying, live with people I know…I can’t keep living in this awful confusion!,’ I wailed at Brayden as he wondered if he should try to comfort me or just leave me be. He still wasn’t used to me jumping in fear every time he tried to wrap his arms around me.
As the initial pain subsided, memories of him slowly started coming back. Unfortunately, the emotional connection to those memories was gone. I felt like I had just woken up to the marriage, and felt no attachment to it. I would stare at my wedding rings with anxiety, resenting them as they represented something vital I couldn’t fully remember. I grew resentful, and felt trapped. I knew the right thing to do was to stay with him, but the thought of that pained me. I couldn’t depend on the days when memories of him were accessible, and ignore the pain of the days full of fog. I don’t think Brayden has ever expressed just how difficult this has been for him. He always wants to protect me from hurting more than I am, so he always finds a way to spin the situation to focus on the positives. Even throughout our tearful discussions over how hard it was for me to be married to someone I didn’t truly know, he always reassured me. ‘You may not remember me, but I remember you. I love you know matter what, and nothing could make me give up on you,’ he reminded me often. I am so comforted by how unconditional his love is for me.
We couldn’t survive long on one income. I couldn’t work a normal job, but desperately wanted to contribute. Before the accident Brayden and I dreamed of having a photography/videography business. So, that became my passion project. I would wake up, grab my laptop, and learn about becoming a wedding photographer. At first, I could only focus for 15-minute increments before I needed a 3-hour break. Those measly 15 minutes of focusing had the power to make me so ill I would cry for hours. Once the tears were done, I grabbed my laptop again. I pushed myself until I could work longer with less breaks. At first it was the perfect job as I only had to work out-of-home on wedding days and could edit from my bed, but then I fell in love with the idea that I was capturing the most important memories of my clients’ lives. I treat every wedding I shoot with such love and respect because I would give anything to have a clear memory of mine. I’m so proud of the beautiful business I worked so hard to create, and I treasure my role in recording these special memories for others.
