When we’re children, it’s nearly impossible for us to discern predators. They tend to be kind and interested in us. They’re experts at grooming. And when we’re in the throes of their abuse, it’s hard to even realize we’re being preyed upon. It’s often in retrospect that we can clearly see what they did and how they manipulated us.
You’d think that when victims reach adulthood that we’d be ten times more discerning because of what we went through. I naively thought that. But then I ran into several predators, befriending them and inviting them into my life. I didn’t know to guard my heart around these folks. In short, I didn’t have correct discernment when it came to recognizing predatory people.
I could have avoided a lot of heartache if I knew what to look for in new friendships and relationships. Since experiencing several predatory relationships, I have done some research, had great conversations, and read a lot of books about the traits of predators. I’ve learned a lot about how these types of folks manipulate people. In light of that, I wanted to share some of what I’ve found out—to hopefully spare you from engaging deeply with a predatory person.
13 male predator personality traits:
1. They seem too perfect.
They seemingly have everything together. They are admirable, the kind of people you’d want to emulate. Unfortunately, predators are masters of deceit. They hide their narcissism and/or sociopathic tendencies by creating admirable facades. They tend to distract you easily from their faults, make others out to be the reason they even have tiny faults (it’s all THEIR fault), and they easily morph into what you admire. Their daily currency is deceit. They cannot tell the truth or discern it.
Another thing I’ve found is that most of the predatory adults I have known (not all but a huge majority) are not on social media. They protect their privacy like crazy. And they tend to completely reinvent themselves every few years with brand new friends who they can display their “perfection” to. This is true of con artists who initially charm everyone, then exploit all their relationships, then move away or reinvent themselves somewhere else. In light of this, be cautious of a charismatic newcomer to your group of friends.
2. They are entitled.
Predatory people believe everything is owed to them. They are entitled to special treatment. They have the corner on the market of wisdom, power and prestige, and therefore seek to be served instead of serving others. Others exist to serve their needs. They have a right to do whatever they want without any push-back. And often, these entitled people move so stealthily between victims (and so frighten them or shame them) that they get away with multiple crimes throughout their lives. They’re entitled and they’re Teflon. Nothing sticks—which furthers their idea of entitlement. (They can get away with anything!)
3. They are masters at exploitation.
Predators know your own weaknesses and blind spots (though they are oblivious to their own). They will press for very deep, intimate knowledge of your life in order to use that sensitive information later. In light of knowing your triggers, they will push your buttons and manipulate you into doing whatever it is they want you to do. They use intimidation, ridicule and shame with abandon. They rule by fear, not by grace. In their presence you will feel small and needy, and in some ways, you will need them in your life to feel okay about yourself. (They’ve made you believe you’re incomplete without them). They long for this kind of dependence. They thrive when you’re the messed up one, and they are the savior.
4. They feign intimacy.
Predators are chameleons. They know that intimacy is important, so they pretend to be whatever it is you need from them. They do this to gain your trust. But their heart is not in it. Instead they playact their way toward false intimacy. They demand your intimate allegiance, but they will never truly share their own hearts. This keeps victims confused and off balance. Think of them as the most clever con artists.
