10. They are likable.
This one is the hardest trait to swallow. When we think of predatory people, we think of creeps in white vans trolling neighborhoods for kids to harm. But they are actually quite normal on the outside. They know how to blend into society by mimicking good behavior. They’re often the life of the party, excellent conversationalists, fun to be around. They are popular in their spheres. And when you complain to someone else about their belittling behavior, the other person is utterly shocked. They’ve only known the predator when he/she is “on.” This is why it’s hard to report predators because they so easily manipulate most people in their lives. Others cannot fathom (nor do they want to) that their kindhearted neighbor is actually a predator in disguise.
11. They are the victim.
Even though they spend their lives victimizing others, it’s always someone else’s fault. I remember one victim sticking up for the man who choked her and exploited her by saying something like, “He only did that because his first girlfriend really hurt him.” Here he was choking his girlfriend, all the while convincing her it was because of a former relationship. Similarly, predators will blame the victim for his/her awful behavior. “It’s your fault I lash out like this. It’s your fault I have to hit you. If you’d only just comply and be submissive.”
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12. They flatter.
Predatory people are master manipulators, and they know how to lure people who struggle on the fringes. They exploit the weaknesses of others by paying attention, building them up, and pretending kindness. They give lavish gifts. They go out of their way to choose the unchosen. They tell intimate secrets that they say are ONLY for the victim to know, which makes them feel special. They grant special access or privileges to the one they’re preying on, fostering a feeling of exclusivity. They use this form of manipulation for a period of time before they let the victim know who they really are. But by that time, the victim is trapped. They’re lured through kindness, but harmed through abuse and control.
13. They are never, ever wrong.
Predatory people will go to any length to avoid personal responsibility. Besides blaming the victim (see number nine), they cannot exist in a world where they have flaws or perceived sins. So they deflect. They make anyone who brings up their actions into a heinous, callous villain. They have elaborate conspiracy theories about people out to get them in order to deflect the true things those people or groups of people have against them. They always have an explanation and excuse for getting caught. And it’s full of manipulation.
I pray that you’re not currently entangled with a predatory person. Sometimes the only way to find out is to ask very wise and trusted people what they see in your relationship. Because they are detached, they can observe what’s going on, and their wisdom will be really helpful to you. Unfortunately, it’s not easy to detangle yourself from a predator. It will hurt. And they will holler and say all sorts of mean things to you and to others. But your freedom is worth it. You are worth it. May you find a safe way to extricate yourself.
What do you think? What traits have I missed? How have you spotted predators? What have you learned in the aftermath?
**This post appeared originally on Mary Demuth’s blog.
