**Editor’s note: This piece was written by Jarrid Wilson, a pastor who died by suicide on September 9th, 2019.
Although my life is now centered around Jesus, the Bible, and building up the Church, this wasn’t always the reality. Much of my life was spent on the total opposite end of the spectrum, and it took some big steps for me to truly see what I was missing out on. I was once truly blinded to what Jesus himself had to offer me, and I blame my pride for getting in the way.
1. I thought Jesus’ followers were hypocrites.
I found out I was right. It seemed that everyone who claimed to be a Christian also turned out to be the worlds biggest hypocrite. I’d take time to listen to an individuals rant about what Jesus did on the cross, why I needed to follow him, and how my life could be different with him. Then, [on] the same day, I would see that person doing something the Bible would consider “sinful.” It didn’t make sense to me that Christians were preaching a gospel they themselves weren’t following.
The Reality:
I needed to see the bigger picture. I soon realized that I could not base my view of Christianity off of Jesus’ followers, but instead I was called to focus on Jesus himself. When I did this, my entire outlook on who he was completely changed. I realized that no Christian is perfect and that the beauty of Jesus is his willingness to forgive us even when we mess up.
2. I didn’t want Jesus himself telling me how to live my life.
I hated the idea of someone telling me how to live my life, how to dress, and what kind [of] music I should listen to. Although I didn’t have much of my own vision for [these] things, I definitely didn’t want some random guy telling me how to live life either. I felt that Jesus was looking to pressure me into being someone I wasn’t.
The Reality:
I let my pride get in the way. Jesus himself wasn’t looking to control me like a robot, but instead, give me the wisdom and guidance I needed to live a fulfilling and gospel-centered life. When I stopped being selfish, I could then see the awesomeness Jesus was looking to instill in my life. He was looking to guide me, not control me. Any loving parent would do the same.
3. I thought all Jesus wanted was my money.
I felt that every time I stepped into a church or conference, all they were asking for was a tithe or donation. Not to mention those TV preachers who were constantly asking me to send them money, all in order to be healed and prayed for. It didn’t make sense to me. In fact, it confused and hurt me more than anything.
The Reality: