While the burst-out-of-your-chest love is so real and true, I had no idea how hard it would be. I didn’t hear about the wanting to run away for a few hours. Or freaking out through nighttime feedings because your baby won’t latch, you’re exhausted, you’re terrified he isn’t getting enough to eat, and to top it all off you feel like someone took sandpaper to your boobs. Or the mastitis. Oh the mastitis.
I didn’t know how terrified I’d be of seemingly simple decisions like where he would sleep. Because no matter what you choose, someone says it’s unsafe, or evil, or damaging.
I wanted this for years. Growing up my biggest dream was to be a mama. My biggest fear during my brain tumor struggles was that I wouldn’t ever be a mom. I had completely idolized motherhood, and now, by the grace of God, I’m actually getting to experience it.
But that doesn’t make it easy.
We can be immensely grateful and thoroughly overwhelmed at the same time.
We can love our babies to the moon and back, and still struggle to get through each day.
We can thank God morning and night for these amazing blessings, and ask him for the strength to take care of them.
Because most things in life aren’t just rainbows and sunshine. I’m not sure how it’s possible that the past year has been my best and my most challenging.
But I know that for God to grow and shape me, I have to have growing pains. And that while I always think the next thing, in this case, motherhood, will cure my anxiety and make me feel completely fulfilled, none of it can. This life is both beautiful and hard, and our ultimate hope is in Christ.
Pregnancy was terrifying. Motherhood is HARD. Oh is it. And I’m not even six months in. But even in the still of the night, when I feel frustrated because my son has woken up for what feels like the 100th time, I can’t help but feel immensely grateful despite the struggle.
I think back to when I wanted him so badly it hurt. So badly I cried on the bathroom floor and begged God to give us our little Leo.
And I remember that I’m so blessed to be his mama that it brings me to tears. Because I never thought I’d be a mama at all.
Motherhood is freaking hard. And I have days where I seriously wonder what I got myself into. But that’s just what I’m learning—that some of life’s most amazing blessings also bring our greatest struggles.
And I’m not afraid to admit it anymore.
“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.” —Romans 5:13
