That moment when the test says ‘pregnant,’ your child’s life, your life, plays out in your head. I had nine long months to imagine the child I would soon have. Thoughts came tumbling in — would it be a girl or boy? I’m going to be a mother! What if I’m not a good mom? Would I be a better mom to a boy or girl? What will my child look like? Will they be funny? Smart? I need to teach my child independence, especially a daughter. Will she have a lot of boyfriends? Oh man, prom! If I have a boy, I have to make sure I teach him how to treat a woman. When am I due? When do I get to find out the sex? So on and so forth.
My pregnancy wore on with little complications. Nothing more than some heartburn, nausea, and exhaustion. The ultrasounds always looked great and I would specifically ask about amniotic fluid, her neck, and length of her limbs. All of which I was told ‘looked great.’ In my 39th week, I complained to the doctor that earlier that day at work I felt dizzy and had a headache. She wanted to me to go in for a stress test and ultrasound since I hadn’t had any of these symptoms for the duration of the pregnancy. I had the ultrasound and waited in that hospital room. I was excited and nervous. I waited for what seemed like an eternity, looked at my husband and said, ‘something is wrong.’ Finally, I got the nurse to tell me I definitely was being admitted. They found fluid in the baby’s left lung and in her stomach on the ultrasound.
They rushed me into the operating room for an emergency c-section. The neonatologist was there with a NICU team. I was terrified and gripped my husband’s hand tightly. Finally, she was born, and we heard her first cry. We looked at each other — full of excitement, happiness, love, wonder, amazement. It was the greatest joy I had ever felt. In that same moment of joy, I heard the words, ‘She has characteristics of Down Syndrome.’ The happiest moment of my life turned to the darkest.
Later that night the geneticist came to our room and introduced herself. She was blunt and short with her introduction. She stated she had gone to see our daughter and that she did, in fact, have Down Syndrome characteristics. She stated she would do the blood test to let us know definitively. She went on to talk about Down Syndrome and how things have changed for people with Down Syndrome as of now. She said they are loved and in fact become ‘the pet of the school.’
The life I had imagined crashed before me and fell to pieces. At times I felt like I was in an empty room with the remnants of her life strewn about. It was as if a tornado hit that room and I was in the eye of it as her life was torn apart around me. I cried over sleepovers she would never have, I clutched the torn and tattered prom dress she would never wear, report cards boasting of the honor roll frayed and flying past me like snow, first kisses never had, drowning in tears of heartbreak never shed. Images of her leaving for college and late night talks before her wedding shattered into a million pieces.
