Hopelessness began to set in as I laid my hands on my empty stomach. I began searching to try and fix me. I began to question God, why have you allowed this? The question I feel like every mom wanting a baby came in like a flood, ‘God why do you allow drug addicts to have babies and not me?’ I had prayed and prayed. A well-meaning friend had given me a book before I was pregnant with this baby basically saying if you tithe and pray enough you will not miscarry. Well I’m telling you I prayed, and I prayed hard, and I tithed faithfully. For a moment my faith was shaken. Then like the wonderful father he is, God sent me a quote straight from the supermom herself, Michelle Duggar. Side note, I LOVE THE DUGGARS. It said, ‘If I knew God’s whole plan, I wouldn’t try to change any of it.’ You may need to reread that. Our Lord works in ways we can’t understand, and a lot of our questions will never be answered here on earth. But momma, if I can tell you one thing, God knows your prayers, we just don’t know His whole plan.
My OBGYN is one of the good ones, the kind who sees you and cares for you specifically. She did a full blood work up, and guess what turned up that stupid moth** effer – MTHFR gene mutation. I had all the symptoms of it and now it all made sense. I changed immediately over to methyl folate instead of folic acid and dove deep into research to fix myself. My wonderful OB put me on baby aspirin and off we went to make another baby! A few months later, those wonderful pink lines! The story here goes a – lot the same. The same terrible ultrasound room with the hideous pictures of beautiful healthy babies, and the same, ‘sorry there is not heartbeat’ at our 12-week ultra sound. Silence and emptiness filled me. I doubted God more, I felt like God could hear everyone else and not me. The best thing I ever did was not shut God out. I gave up on him hearing but I just kept opening my bible, turning on the worship music, and lifting up prayers. I learned it’s ok to doubt, it’s ok to not know everything. It’s ok that the plan is no longer the plan. I was rolled back for yet another D&C and I remember just crying those big fat tears that just roll down your cheeks, and saying out loud, ‘I just want my baby, I just want my baby.’ I awoke again empty, longer pregnant.
Miscarriage number four came soon after, baby didn’t even have a heartbeat at my first ultrasound. The plan for this pregnancy was to start on Lovenox (a blood thinner given by injection into the stomach on a daily basis) but we lost the baby too soon. God showed me on this pregnancy that I would be ok, that it didn’t matter what storm I was in as long as I was looking towards God I would still be ok. And I was ok. I came to terms with not having more babies, I was one blessed woman with what God had given me.
Although, we had still been very excited for this child.
This took me a long time, but man was it worth it. I’m so much stronger now, I know my Savior so much more intensely. I know how to have joy in the mist of sadness.
Miscarriage number five was just two bright pink lines, then days later, blood on toilet paper. God was still good, and my life was still beautiful. We just kept moving forward.
Some things that were not helpful that people told me 1. At least you have other kids. 2. Maybe you need to pray harder, have you read this book?… blah blah blah 3. At least it was early… in a woman’s mind the second there’s two lines, it’s a person. A whole timeline, an entire life planed and dreamed. For most men it’s not this way so try to sympathize, husbands. 4. ‘I just know you’re going to have another baby.’ No, you don’t know. I don’t even know. Only God knows, so unless you’ve had God send an angel to speak directly to you, you don’t know.
Fast forward almost four years from our first miscarriage, we surprisingly had our Rainbow. As soon as I had a positive pregnancy test, my amazing OBGYN had me on Lovenox the next day and it WORKED!
We feel overwhelmed and overjoyed, also peaceful because I had made peace with God to be happy no matter his plans for me. All 9 of my children are and were a gift from God.
This story was written by Christina Tumlin and originally appeared on Love What Matters. Follow her journey on Instagram and check out her Rainbow quilts on Etsy.
