To the Daughter Whose Father Won’t Love Her


Dear daughter whose father won’t love her,

I know it’s hard to understand how someone you love (even if they’ve hurt you), isn’t stepping up to be the person you thought they would be in your life. It’s painful. It can feel embarrassing. And it’s absolutely wrong of them to treat you that way.

It happened to me.

Many times, parents make excuses about why they can’t be there for their children. They can blame it on distance. Blame it on the other parent. Blame it on the child itself. But it’s the parent’s job to build a strong relationship with their child. It’s the parent’s job to return again and again to that child to make amends. Until the child reaches an age where they can decide for themselves.

It’s in no way your fault.

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The sad truth is that many people in our lives will fail us. They will fall short. They will deny the calling they have to be a good parent. They will choose to take the easier road, the road removed from responsibility, not because of you — but because they can’t see past themselves. They have allowed their lives to become self-centered.

When they do that, I want you to know this: they are not being the person that God asked them to be in your life.

You were a gift to them. An incredible gift that God crafted with care. With so much love going into His dream of you, that you would have been a huge blessing in the lives that you touched. In your father’s refusal of you, he misses the blessing God intended on his life.

Don’t let it change you. Because although you feel like it’s out of your control and no one seems to make it right, God is in it with you.

“He did not retaliate when he was insulted, nor threaten revenge when he suffered. He left his case in the hands of God, who always judges fairly.” 1 Peter 2:23 NLT

But it still hurts a lot, doesn’t it?

It’s a pain that others don’t seem to understand because they too cannot fathom a parent not loving their child. Now that I have children of my own, it’s even harder for me to believe that my own father could walk away from me. There’s no way on this earth that I could ever do that to my children. Remember that. Just because it was done to you, does not mean that you don’t have the power to change that in your family going forward.

“It’s because the child did what is fair and right. Since the child was careful to do what is lawful and right, the child will live truly and well. The soul that sins is the soul that dies. The child does not share the guilt of the parent, nor the parent the guilt of the child. If you live upright and well, you get the credit; if you live a wicked life, you’re guilty as charged.” Ezekiel 18:20 MSG

But, each time you feel that pain, I want you to remember what I’m about to say. I want you to lean in closely so that you get the full breadth of what I’m about to tell you. Because it’s revolutionary, and just me writing it and you reading it can start a change in your heart.

Even God is awestruck by the fact that someone could walk away from you.

Because God happily chooses to be your Father every single day.

He chooses you.

He puts you at the front of His mind.

He delights in you.

He smiles at the silly things you do.

He’s so hurt when you are hurt.

He holds a love for you that is so deep, and wide, and reaching heights that we on earth have never seen.

Don’t believe the lies the enemy will whisper in your ear about your situation with your father:

  • That you are not enough
  • That if your own father won’t love you, no one will
  • That there is something wrong with you
  • That you are damaged

Don’t believe those lies. Because you DO have a Father who loves you deeply. More so than any father on earth could ever begin to love you. More so than their love could even begin to touch.

Choose instead to get to know that Father. Learn about Him, and from Him, so that you will start to understand how He sees you. He knows you better than anyone on this earth ever will, because He created you. Every tiny bit of you. He knows your beautiful heart, even when it’s breaking. He knows your pain, even when it’s part of healing you. He knows the incredible depth of your beauty, even when you can’t see it in the mirror. He knows the dreams you hide from the world, the ones He’s put in your heart specifically for your purpose in this world.

He knows.

You are seen.

You are known.

You are chosen.

And you are deeply, unashamedly, outrageously loved.

Set yourself free from the way your father has chosen to see you. He is wrong. So very wrong.

Instead, learn to see how your Father sees you. God the Father is Truth. He is actually the definition of the word. He cannot lie. He cannot exaggerate. He cannot mislead. All of the wonderful things He sees and feels about you are the absolute truth in this life — because He Himself is Truth.

He wants so desperately to build a relationship with you so that you will get to know the Truth as well. Have you ever heard the phrase, “The truth will set you free”? It’s because there is freedom for those of us that turn away from the lies. For those of us that turn to the Father and ask Him what the truth about us is. The Truth can set you free from your disappointment in your father. It can set you free from the lies you’ve told yourself about why this is happening to you.

Let Him show you.

Try to accept that this person may never be what God intended for them to be in your life, or what you needed them to be for you. But, know that this gives you the chance to have an even closer relationship with God than most people will ever get to have. You may not see it for the blessing it is right now, but it is just the same. And someday you’ll see that. Allow yourself to build a close relationship with your Father that lifts you up from your past.

I promise you that He’s the Father that will not let you down. Ever.

I promise you that He will love you like the cherished daughter you are, and that you will physically feel that love.

I promise you that He will guide you more accurately through life than anyone.

Let Him.

**This post originally appeared on LauraPolk.org. See more from Laura on her website

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