Every mom has a breaking point. Amidst the mess of life, and managing tiny humans…sooner or later, the chaos will get the best of you.
For Rachel Macy Stafford, her breaking point was reached just minutes into family vacation.
“In an especially chaotic rush out the door to go on a family vacation, I sat in the passenger seat fuming. Mad because I didn’t have time to put the dishes in the dishwasher. Mad because we were late getting on the road. Mad because the garage door was acting up. I’m talking trivial, insignificant, minor inconveniences here, but that was the state of a distracted woman who could no longer see the blessings, only the inconveniences, of her life.”
As negativity and anguish grew inside her, The “Hands Free Revolution” blogger was interrupted by her husband. He leaned over with a blunt statement that sent Rachel right over the edge.
“Before we were about to pull out of the driveway, my husband looked at me as if someone he loved very much had died. In a barely audible whisper he said, ‘You’re never happy anymore.’”
Rachel says she wanted to defend herself. She wanted to argue that her husband’s observation was jaded, or insulting, or just downright wrong. But in her heart, she knew he was right.
It was in those moments that Rachel took a hard look at herself and realized she was no longer the once-happy, easygoing woman who wasn’t easily bothered by the trials and inconveniences of life.
“Where had that happy woman gone? The one who smiled at people she passed on the street just because. The one whose friends often spoke of her positive outlook on life. The one who felt happy simply because she heard her favorite song or had a pack of strawberry Twizzlers in her purse. The one who could laugh off mistakes because mistakes happen, and they are certainly not the end of the world.”
She’d become hard. And as difficult as it was to admit to herself, that lovely woman she once was had faded away.
In her self-reflection, Rachel turned her eyes to the backseat where her 6- and 3-year-old children were sitting. She looked at her oldest daughter and saw the stress she’d been carrying as a result of her mother’s unhappiness.
Kids are smart, and they pick up on more than we give them credit for. In that moment, Rachel said she could practically read her daughter’s mind. She was visibly aware that her mom was mad, tired and stressed.
That’s when Rachel put on the thinking cap of a 6-year-old. She realized how her seemingly never-ending bad mood had translated to her daughter.
“Staring back at me was my older daughter picking her lip with worry the size of a small boulder weighing down her small shoulders.
As she pinched that tiny piece of fragile skin on her upper lip with wide eyes, I could practically read her mind:
I could practically hear how a young child would interpret her mother’s unhappiness.
Mom’s mad at me.
Mom’s tired because of me.
Mom’s stressed because of something I did.”
No longer was it a matter of “mom’s mad, mom’s tired, mom’s stressed.” Rather than simply knowing those things, this precious little girl had taken on those feelings as faults of her own.
Rachel realized she wasn’t the only one whose joy had gone missing.
“Where had my happy little girl gone? The one who woke up with the most gorgeous bedhead and good morning smile. The one who beamed at the words ‘sprinkler,’ ‘cotton candy,’ and ‘pet store.’ The one who laughed so hard tears came to her eyes. The one who licked beaters with sheer pleasure and danced happily to any song with a beat.”
She immediately felt convicted. It was a hard pill to swallow—knowing that she was the one inadvertently robbing her family of joy and replacing it with the weight of stress she’d brought on herself.
“Because my happiness was based on external measures—on tasks being completed, plans running accordingly, goals being met, hairs being in place—I was continually disappointed…upset…impatient…and stressed. In the process of making my own life miserable, I’d funneled my unhappiness straight into my daughter’s once joyful heart and spirit. Her pain was a direct reflection of the expression I wore on my face.”
Rachel was desperate to put that smile back on her daughter’s face again. But she knew in order to do so, she had to restore her own authentic happiness.
She adapted two essential phrases: “Only Love Today,” and “See Flowers, Not Weeds.”
Hands Free Revolution
“I used the phrase Only Love Today to silence my inner bully. Whenever a critical thought would come to my mind or my mouth, I’d cut it off with Only Love Today. I used See Flowers Not Weeds as a pathway to gratitude, to see what was good in situations and people.”
As Rachel changed her everyday approach and outlook on life, she began to see the changes unfold in her family and home—particularly in her daughter. Smiles were coming back, and everything was much more peaceful.
The Hands Free Mama recognized the transformation most when she sent a photo of her daughter playing in the garden to her own parents. Their response brought her efforts to fruition.
“Thank for this precious picture of our beautiful granddaughter. Over the last two years, we have seen a tremendous change in her. We no longer see a scared look in her eyes; she is less fearful about you being upset or impatient with her. She is much happier and more relaxed. She is thriving and growing into a content, creative, and nurturing person. We know for a fact the changes we see in her coincide with the changes we have also seen in you.”
It was painful to accept that her daughter had been absorbing all of Rachel’s tension, stress and anxiety for so long that her own unhappiness transferred to her young daughter.
She says she didn’t know it before, but with that response from her parents, she knew it now.
It wasn’t until she changed that toxic pattern that her family could also be happy.
“Our children are our garden. They absorb our stress, just as they absorb our peace. They absorb our negativity just as they absorb our joy. And we have the power to control what they absorb, but first, we must tend to ourselves.”
Rachel now encourages other parents to listen to their feelings, needs, dreams and especially their limits. Because it’s hard to grow your children’s happiness when you’re constantly feeding them your own anger.
“Perhaps you forgot that it is necessary to look after YOU. It’s okay. I forget too. But we still have today. Thank God, we still have today.
Today let’s tend to ourselves as we do our loved ones. Perhaps we can make it a habit. We’ll never know how much we can grow and flourish until we take time to tend to what is most precious.”
