“I Caught Him Messaging 2 Escorts on a Work Trip. I Was Not Allowed to Have Male Friends”: Woman Recounts Abuse Inflicted by Narcissist Boyfriend, Warns Others to Watch for the Signs

A narcissist’s cycle is an addictive pattern that fuels a need for validation while conditioning their partner to believe toxic behaviors are normal. As the pattern repeats, a narcissist leverages inconsistent positive reinforcement to lure their partner back. Often, this cycle becomes an endless pursuit to win back the original love and admiration that was once abundant. By the time awareness kicks in, and it’s clear the relationship must end, victims often feel too trapped to leave.

Symptoms of a trauma bond:

• Walking on Eggshells. You find yourself trying to please your abuser who gives you little in return. You walk carefully around the narcissist in your life to avoid ‘making’ them upset or angry.
• Letting Go. Although you understand your partner is abusive, you cannot get yourself to let go of the relationship. Instead, you ruminate over their abusive behavior towards you and engage in blaming yourself for the wrongdoing of the narcissist in your life.
• Dependent. Your self-esteem and self-worth are dependent upon what the narcissist says of you and behaves toward you.
• You Change Your Behavior. You often change your behavior to give the abuser what they want, putting your own needs on the back burner. However, the narcissist does nothing to meet your needs.
• Addicted. You feel the need to have your partner validate and approve of everything you do. You continue to look toward the narcissist for comfort only to be met with more abuse. You are addicted to being poorly treated and playing the narcissist’s game.
• Defending the Abuser. You find yourself keeping the bad behavior of your narcissist secret and defending it to others. Even when family or friends try to warn you of what they see, you defend by claiming your relationship is a good one and that you are happy.
• Self-Sabotaging Behaviors. One might begin to engage in any of many self-harming behaviors, including substance abuse, cutting, or developing an eating disorder. You might also find yourself dissociating away from the pain and shame caused by the narcissist.

If you are reading these signs and resonate with any of them, I want you to know there is hope. I went through every type of abuse with my narcissist and I am still here standing-without him. Merely 3 days after our breakup, he was already cozying up to his new supply and honestly was already doing things with her prior to the breakup. It is hard, it’s like an addiction, but I promise you DO deserve better.

The narcissist will move on from partner to partner completing the SAME dangerous cycle that you were in with them. They will not change for a new partner. It is the same movie, but the characters have been swapped out. Consider your exit (or theirs) a blessing and learn from your abuse. This is something I am focusing on doing now. I am quick to see the red flags and turn the wrong people down.

I hope by sharing my story, some of you will be able to connect the dots and live a happier future, narc free.”

[If you are seeking help, please call the National Dating Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or visit thehotline.org to live chat with someone 24/7. Help is out there and you are not alone.]