Over the past few weeks, I’ve heard tragic story after tragic story. But you know what? God has used every single one of them. He has used their stories, built their families, and comforted them when their hearts were shattered into a million pieces.
But right now I’m not to that stage yet. I haven’t seen anything redeemed. I’ve spent evenings lying in bed crying and telling God how much I despise him for not sparing our child’s life. Asking why others get it so easy. Pleading to have a child someday. I’m not going to pretend that I am full of hope and trust every second of every day. Grief is messy and hard.
Right now things feel hopeless. But I know God isn’t finished yet. He welcomed my baby into heaven with arms wide open, and has many more plans for Kyle and me.
My life verse this year, as we’ve walked through a miracle pregnancy and the greatest loss of our lives, has been 2 Corinthians 4:16-18:
“So we do not lose heart. Though our outer nature is wasting away, our inner nature is being renewed day by day. For this slight momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.”
I remember repeating these words over and over in my head during that second ultrasound.
Because life is just plain hard. And it doesn’t seem fair. But we can’t see the whole picture. And we know God is good all the time.
Even in loss. Even in tragedy. Even in despair.
So though I don’t understand why my child’s life on earth ended so soon, I find comfort knowing that eternity in heaven is so much longer.
Though this life is “short,” sometimes it doesn’t feel that way. It’s joy and sorrow intertwined. Moments when I’m so grateful to God, and times when I’m beyond angry with him. I have moments of quiet sobbing in the bathroom, bits of joy as I experience the blessings I have on this earth, and periods of utter confusion and doubt.
Through it all, I shall not look to what I see now, but have hope for the future. And though I hope and pray I’ll be a mama to children on this earth someday, a piece of this precious baby will always be in my heart.
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.”
And so we trudge on. Putting one foot in front of the other. Trusting in God’s plan for our marriage and family, even when it doesn’t seem to make sense. Because we know that he is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison.
He is good. He is faithful. He has already won.
And though our hearts are torn to a million pieces right now, he is enough.
